Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Not feeling safe

I love going to gigs. I also don't, I really struggle in crowds and have missed loads of shows because my anxiety has stopped me going. Now after everything that has happened with bombings etc it is making me worse. I am wary on trains and the bus and always aware of what is going on around me.

I just worry if or when somethings going to happen nearer me. I am so scared, I just don't feel safe anywhere anymore.

And I have had to get rid of tickets for shows recently and I am gutted but I need to take my own safety first.

Anyone any tips? Or advice

Hormones and depression

It's that time again(sigh) and I am not coping. The pains really bad and I know I have a hormone imbalance so it makes star week not fun.

I am on medications to help make it easier pain wise, But nothing to help how anxious and stressed I get around that time of the month. I just want to curl into a ball in bed and cry. I never sleep well and I know my mood etc goes downhill every 4 weeks. I also find it difficult to do anything but sit on the sofa and feel sorry for myself.

I just wondered if anyone has any good advice or tips on how to cope? I want to see my GP and see if I can get anything else to help but I am already overweight and not sure what else she can do contraception wise. But maybe something else to help my mood as I am horrible around the time of the month and my anxiety goes through the roof too.

Friday, 12 May 2017

This time last year

I was sat in Costa earlier having a hot chocolate and I had a flashback to this time last year.  I would of been having a drink before going to see Rosie my counsellor. I always had a costa before I saw her to help calm me down.

I am now out of therapy, Have been since July last year, I am in a better place. I still have my down days but the suicidal thoughts and wanting to die are not as strong as the urges and thoughts I had last year. I had a really bad patch where I wrapped a cable around my neck and pulled it tight till I felt dizzy. I just wanted everything to fade away and I Just thought that was the way out, I obviously stopped myself, and I am here to tell the story.

I wonder what Rosie would say now, I am in a job I love and I feel I have come so far from last year. I feel like I am starting to love myself and my anxiety is not as bad as it used to be.

So my final thoughts are that no matter how hard things may seem now, with the right support and help it does get better. And never feel like you cannot get back up from the bottom. It does get easier and I really believe talking therapy is a brilliant way to get the help needed. I know I owe everything to Rosie and I am so grateful I found the company that gave me her as my therapist, She was caring and understood and I will always be grateful for them and for me pulling the cable off because I have so much more to live for and a reason to be here. I still have so much in life I want to do and so many people who I want to meet and see.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

My tattoo and why I got it

My compass tattoo is on my left arm. I had it on this side for two reasons. I got it here to stop me cutting and to cover some old scars, I chose a compass to remind me that I always have home and that I can be grounded here. And that no matter what I will always have home to be safe in.

I got it too help me stop cutting as that is the side I used to cut on. It is working so far I am almost 7 months clean and I am so proud of myself, I really want to stop altogether and before I stopped for a year and a half.

Some people see tattoos as self harm, But I don't I see it as art and I think they are beautiful.