Sunday, 26 November 2017


I'm not doing so great. Actually I am doing quite badly, I've got some rubbish stuff going on with family and work is really getting me down.

I also don't know how I can afford Christmas, Everyone is so happy and looking forward to it and I cannot wait for it to be over. It's so expensive and I am struggling to be able to afford it. 

I have had those thoughts, Where I would be better if I wasn't here. I have had friends stab me in the back at work, And it means I am being moved off my department. I am looking for a new job after Christmas so I can get out. I have tried to enjoy it but it is making my mental health worse. And the travelling and cost is ridiculous. I don't think I will miss anyone if I leave either. I don't trust anyone that works there anymore. I know that is a bad thing to say but it is the truth.

I am also getting my urges back to self harm and hurt myself. I just need to feel pain, so I can get my anger out of my system. I also want to sleep for ages, I just want to get home from work and sleep. It's the only thing that stops the feeling of wanting to cry. 

Sorry it is not a happy post. But that is depression, It never goes away.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

My letter to death

Dear Death

I once wanted you so badly. Thoughts clouded every single minute of my day, I could not get the thought out of my head. I wanted to be with the ones that had left me behind, especially you. The one who I loved and the friend that got me. I tried once, It didn't happen. And I think in a way I am glad it didn't even though at the time I felt so angry and hated myself for it not happening. 

I have so much to live for at the moment. Life is getting better since the dark times I had 2 years ago. I really thought my world had ended and I couldn't find a way out of the big black hole I had fallen down. I felt so stupid and so scared of the future and if I could ever find myself again. It has not been an easy journey, But I suppose that is Mental Health all over. Nothing is ever easy though. We are sent trials to test us. And being able to fight them is part of the journey.

I have scars and they won't ever fade, But they show the battle I fought and that I am a survivor. I came through the darkest of times and the hardest fight I had to fight. I lost people through the battle but they don't matter and my life is so much better without them. 

I am in a better place and I am proud of how far I have come. Sometimes the thoughts come back and I do wonder if maybe one day they won't. But I have learnt how to deal with them now. This blog has helped and I am glad I started it.  I have stuff to focus on now, I have to live to be the best Auntie my nephew will have. I have a job I love and friends who couldn't cope if I wasn't around.

I have to be strong and help others, I want to help make a difference and help those who like me are struggling. It does get better and it gets better today.

Death I don't want you anymore, I want to live. I want the thoughts to go. I want to live my life to the fullest and the best version of me I can be. Because life's for the living.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Biggest inspirations

This post is more of a cheerful happier post. I want to post about some of the people that inspire me on my mental health journey.

1. Philippa Hanna. 

I love this lady to the moon. She has always been a big inspiration to me and she is a beautiful soul inside and out. I have been lucky enough to meet her a couple of times and hear her beautiful songs and music live. Her music is inspired by her battles and journey through life. And her songs and lyrics are what I love. I always listen to Philippa when I feel really down and her music picks me back up.

Everyone go follow her. She really is inspirational. 

2. Collabro 
I love these boys SO much! They are the most friendliest beautiful talented angels. I have seen them live three times now and they always make me emotional. I love musical theatre. 

3. Josh Curnow
I have only seen Josh live once but I love him and his music. He also inspires me with his lyrics and the journey he has gone through. Also though I am not religious I find his belief's inspiring too. He is also local to me so I have to support him really. 

4. G4
I have been a fan of these guys since day 1. Back in the day I followed them around the country. I love them all so much! Seen them so many times and they get better and better. Also really lovely guys too, I love Mike the most(don't tell the others heehe)

5.Miranda Hart
She's funny! And I can relate to her character so much. I always put her dvd's on and I am instantly cheered up.
Plus she sent me a tweet before I got my job, And it helped me apply for the job I am in now.

6. Heather Peace
I love the bones of this lady. She is my biggest inspiration and idol. I love her! She's always so supportive and friendly and gives amazing hugs too. She helped me when I came out and also always has amazing advice. Her music always makes me feel better too. 

Last of all my biggest inspiration and the most beautiful man I have ever met. Rhydian! I love him SO SO SO much and he is always there for me. His music is like a warm hug and he just blows me away every time I get to see him. I think he is an angel, Seriously he is 1 in a million to me and I love him to the moon and back. Plus he is gorgeous and gives the most incredible hugs. He is like a best friend to me and I know we will always have each other's backs. 

How I cope with my anxiety at work

I work 8 hours a week, It isn't many hours but right now it suits me. Believe me it does not always seem easy, Some days I get so anxious before I go in that I have to countdown by the staff door before I go in. Some days I want to run, and my heart pounds I am surprised people cannot hear it. I also get random anxiety attacks through the day out of no where. I guess it comes from being told in previous jobs that I am not good enough. So I am always worried that I am going to be told that I am not up to the standards asked and sorry we have to get rid of you. Any way apart from my medication I have some tips on what I do to help me calm down and keep my anxiety at bay.

1. Breathe! I have learnt some breathing techniques through my mental health journey. And a tip I learnt from my counsellor is to push your heels into the ground, It helps you feel grounded and can help stop a panic attack.

2. I keep something in my pocket, it can be a pen, just something I can hold or play with when I am feeling anxious. 

3. Drink water, It helps me stop the sick feeling I get and can calm me down too.

4. Keep busy, I hate being quiet at work because I feel that is the time something will happen that will make my anxiety really bad.

5. Talk to someone. My friends I work with know what signs to look out for and know when I am feeling rubbish. And they know how to cheer me up too. Also I do feel that having management know that you have anxiety can help, as they can keep an eye on you and help when it is getting a bit tough going.

6. Wear a band. I sometimes keep a hairband or elastic band around my wrist, so I can flick it when I need a distraction method. 

7. Go take 5 minutes. I usually call it a toilet break, but sometimes it is just for me to go sit on the loo and collect my thoughts and breathe. I also get a drink. I find that sometimes it's all I need is to take myself out of the situation and find somewhere safe and quiet to just breathe. 

Thursday, 19 October 2017

I'm back and where have I been

I'm back. Well for now anyways. It's been ages and I am sorry but I am going to explain. Firstly we have not had Internet since Sept, So sadly this blog got left behind. 

I also have had no inspiration to post, Or what to even post! I am not doing too well. I am struggling but don't really know why! I have no explanation for how I am feeling. Nothing has happened that's really bad. I got sick for 3 weeks and it started then. I just feel tired all the time. Maybe it is because it is now darker in the evenings, The weather is colder and wet, It's dark when I come out of work. I love winter for the fact it's Halloween and Christmas but I also struggle with the lack of sunshine.

I am also having trouble with my hair, it is falling out in handfuls. And I don't know why, It is also dry and this is making me a bit down too. My hair is probably my favourite part about my body and I am worried.

I promise to be back soon, I am going to get some inspiration and hopefully come back with some posts soon.

Monday, 21 August 2017

Dear Depression

A letter from the heart of a girl who is struggling

Dear Depression.

It's me. The girl you keep making feel like shit. The girl who cries herself to sleep night after night. The one who has marks of anger and pain etched into her delicate fragile skin. Cheeks tear stained, mascara running down her face. I am the girl you make feel that she is never ever good enough for anything. The girl who's biggest fear is rejection. And the girl who is afraid of dying alone. I am the girl who worries daily about the smallest of things. The girl who's mind works overtime trying to fight daily to be "OK". The one who never feels loved and is afraid she won't ever meet the one. 

The girl who relies on pills to make her broken head work and to be able to sleep so she can be strong enough to fight the battle again the next day. To stop the nightmares and the bad dreams that keep her awake.

The girl who cannot look at her reflection in a mirror in fear of what she will see. The one who years of bullying etched in her mind, never ever leaving her no matter how hard she tries to forget.

You wear me out Depression. It's a constant battle of trying to stay strong and faking a smile. My chest feeling like a weight is sitting on it. Like my heart is beating so fast it cannot keep up, Scared one day it might stop altogether. Always there in the back of my mind, niggling away. It's a pain that never goes. 

Just for one day, One day it would let me feel OK, Where I didn't have to be strong, I could just be me.............But maybe this is me, and I am being the best I can be. 

Friday, 11 August 2017

Labels and how I feel about them

This post is inspired by a chat I had with a very close friend about how I felt about my mental health labels and how I feel about knowing my diagnosis and how people reacted knowing about my conditions.

I was first diagnosed in 2008. Back then I was only diagnosed with Depression. My anxiety diagnoses came later. I was diagnosed and put onto anti depressants. I didn't really know how I felt then I think I was just relieved that I knew what was wrong and that I was getting help and I was not seen as crazy, And that I had someone that understood how I was feeling and that were willing to help me.

I saw counsellors and had regular appointments.  But I found that people found the label depression difficult especially in my old job. I got a lot of comments like "Oh but you have nothing to be depressed about" and "You are young and seem so happy why do you have depression?" 

I found that people can also use the labels against me too. I later found this out when I lost my job before this and also when we had a big family fall out(which I will get into later)

I don't know if I feel comfortable with my labels or not. I do on one hand think it helps me. But I feel these days too that anxiety is used when people don't really have it, I have heard people use it and joke about it. I had someone say to me that "Oh all you youngsters have anxiety these days" No! I struggle some days even getting to work, I can sometimes step off the bus and a panic attack can trigger, It isn't something everyone has. I have generalised and social anxiety. I find being around people I don't know eg parties and social gatherings difficult. I don't really go to any work parties because they make me feel uncomfortable. I don't really drink and drunk loud people make me really panicky.

Now I will get onto why I feel labels are dangerous. I had a big family falling out that has led to me not allowed to speak to my mum's side of the family apart from a couple aunts and uncles, My auntie used my label of depression and anxiety to tell everyone I was dangerous and I should of been sectioned and that I am mental. All I did in self defence was push her away from me, Because she was all in my face screaming and she actually went for me. So yes labels can be used to slander and cause trouble as I found out. It only stopped when we threatened her with solicitors and suing her.

I also suffered at work with my ex boss telling my dad that I was too mentally unstable to hold down a full time job let alone a job with people. I had worked for that company 9 years and the only reason I wasn't coping was because I was being screamed at constantly and the manager refused to help and stop it happening. I am in a job now with people and I love it and I will admit I am the happiest I have been for a long time. All it takes is the right team of people that are supportive and understand. My manager is fantastic and it is because she understands Mental Health and how it can affect you.

Also I found that applying for jobs, I heard back from applications if I didn't put my conditions down. I don't know how it affects job applications, Has anyone else found that if they didn't put that they had depression etc they heard back? Is it really that important if we don't put it down? I know at Primark they did ask about it and wanted to know how I was coping and that they would support me any way they could and they was glad I had told them about it so they understood why some days I could be down and they knew they had a reason and could help me and be there for me if I needed it.

So let me know in the comments on how you feel about being diagnosed and has it helped you or affected you?

Thursday, 3 August 2017


I am posting today about Anxiety. And how it affects me every single day. And what I do to help relieve some of it in my day to day life.

I have social and generalised anxiety, And it does affect me every single day. I find going out around people and having to socialise difficult. It means that going to supermarkets and places that are going to be busy and crowded hard. I panic if I cannot find the people I am supposed to be with, I hate loosing my mum in the supermarket(I think this comes from me being lost when I was little) I even hate having to lock doors in the loo. My anxiety is even bad travelling. I get over this though with having my headphones in and distracting myself. I also make sure I have my water with me. I like when the bus is not busy as I have plenty of room to make sure I am not crushed.

I also make sure I never drink coffee when I am out or working as it sends my heart crazy. I am on beta-blockers and they do help. I get really really bad anxiety at work. My manager is great and I am allowed to get some water and take a few minutes out if I need it. I have learnt some breathing to help me as well. But I hate how it affects me daily and I wish it would go away.

I also have separation anxiety, I hate being away from home. I don't do well when I have to go away and I have some big trips coming soon. I would love some tips from people if they have any. I have cancelled many events because I cannot bring myself to go and be away from home and also I panic about what will happen. But I am not going to let it beat me this time as next month is someone I am a big fan of and I am not missing it for nothing.

Does anyone have any app ideas I can download on my phone? I always have my phone with me so I can download stuff on my phone to distract me. I have kindle so I can read. But I wondered if anyone knows any other good anxiety apps. 

Monday, 17 July 2017

Tiger Lilly

Hi Everyone

Today I have a post about a very dear friend and someone I care a lot about. She is an incredible musician and artist. And she is a mental health warrior and suicide survivor. Tiger Lilly is crowd funding to take her mental health tour and music and story around the country to schools and music venues. I shall post the link down below where you can donate and help spread the word and help make a difference to those who need help and help to spread mental health awareness.

Broken Glass tour

Here is the link where you can donate and get a reward. I highly reccomend donating for the album because it has some amazing tracks and it's all written by Tiger Lilly herself. 

Green Eyed Monster

Here is one of the tracks featured and you can find all her other music on her youtube channel.

TigerLilly official youtube

Find TigerLilly at her social media accounts below


Monday, 10 July 2017

My old job

I have decided to do a blog post on how much my old job I was in for 9 years at a popular high street chemist/Health and beauty store affected my mental health and some of the things that were said to me and why after 9 years I left.

I started there when I was 23. I had previously worked at a supermarket(which I loved) but left there as the hours I was working were no longer any good for me. So I found this job at a chemist and applied and got it pretty much straight away.  

It all started off well and I did enjoy it and made some friends and settled in well, All was OK for a year but then it started to go wrong. I was off sick for a bit and they didn't like it and then other sickness meant I got a disciplinary and that annoyed me as I couldn't help being ill. Then some other stuff happened with complaints(that I still don't understand what actually was supposed to of happened) and it all started going wrong from then on wards. 

Then we got a new team leader and I didn't click with her and she didn't click with me, so it made going into work hard. This carried on for a year, things happened and were said and I just felt I was being picked on for no reason. Included being accused of stuff and being made to feel really small and stupid. 

Luckily I had friends there that stood up for me and were supportive, I had some family stuff happen too and it just made me really sad and down and I think my depression had started then but I ignored it and carried on the best I could. Back then I was working full time. 

Then three years had passed and I got to help out at a local pharmacy and then ended up moving there permanently and leaving the big store I was in. All was good there to start with and I loved my manager and met my best friend there. But then the manager I got along with left and it all started to go down hill because we didn't have a manger and it just went really wrong and I started to question if I had done the right thing in moving. 

But a new manager started and took over and for a little while it was alright and I thought it was going to sort itself out and I would be alright. But hell no how wrong I was. It turns out the manager we got had issues with me. Daily she would make comments about how I was scruffy and that I was lazy. It got so bad I ended up being signed off for 6 months with depression and anxiety.

Then I came back and it all seemed to be going well, I settled back in and we got a new manager and I started to really enjoy working there. But then got moved to another pharmacy up the road and I knew from the first day I wasn't going to like it, I had no say in moving there. It was decided on my holiday that I was moving and that was that. 

The manager I had there I thought was going to be OK and would understand my depression and mental health, but turns out that the minute anything started going wrong he would hide. And that meant two customers ended up getting aggressive with me and that then meant I got suspended. 

It was after the 2nd one had a go and I realised that the girls I worked with had not got my back and hearing what my manger back then said that I handed my notice in. I had already got to the point of waking up in the mornings and not wanting to go in and making reasons to not go into work. So that was the final straw. But my dad went into see the manger and some of the things he had said about me were awful and made me so mad. Apparently I am not a people person and I shouldn't work in retail. Well how wrong he was, I am now in a job I love and a job where I am appreciated and I have a fantastic team of friends and the managers/supervisors are supportive.

Never ever let anyone tell you that you cannot do something. I am glad I saw sense and left, even if I did leave behind friendships. I am so much happier where I am now, and maybe I have lost money but I would rather work somewhere and be happy than somewhere that makes me ill.

Sunday, 25 June 2017

Life is a rollercoaster..............Especially with Depression.

I am not doing so great at the moment. My anxiety and depression has gone downhill and as much and as hard as I try to fight it I cannot beat this battle. I don't really know what has caused it to be totally honest. I wish I did know then I could try and sort it, I have had a little slip up with my self harming, And I am annoyed at that. I am finding work tough at the moment too and I think maybe that might be what it is. I don't want to admit that though as it was all going so well and I don't like people at work worrying about me and them having to check in with me weekly because I find that attention difficult. 

I have a little break now and as much as I wish I was in Cardiff money just couldn't cover how much the train fare would of cost me and if I am a bit honest I am scared about travelling alone to any cities at the moment.

Anyways I am trying to be OK but I need to remember that not every single day or week or month is going to be amazing and that It is OK not to be OK.

I love you all lots. Till next time 

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Blurt foundation and Buddy Box


Today I bring you a fab website/subscription box that is based around Mental Health and Anxiety. It's the Blurt Foundation and there box Buddy Box.

I received one last year and I loved the idea behind it, I then ordered myself this months and it came a couple of days ago, So I have decided to review it and have taken some photos too.

Here are my photos taken of what I received and I will explain a little about it after.

First you receive the Buddy Box card with the social media outlets on the front and a little note about posting your box on social media and how to win a box for you and a friend. Use the tag #BuddyBox 

Then I had two postcards, One with a rainbow theme and birds which is super cute. And then another one with a quote. I love these to pin on my wall.

The next thing was believe in yourself cards, I love these, It is a set of cards with inspiring cards and quotes. These are going to be fab and I am going to be using them over social media and on the blog.

Then I got the super cute coaster, I LOVE this so much, Omg it is me down to a T! I love naps and llama's. 

Then my fav thing(Which I shall drink tonight now I have done the blog post) is Dark Hot choc shot, I love dark chocolate and marshmallows. And this won't make me feel like I am having a lot of calories as dark choc is good for you right! 

Next is some information and sites to where you can find the boxes. 

Blurt Foundation



Each BuddyBox contains at least 5 quality products hand-picked to nourish, inspire and encourage self-care.
The contents of the BuddyBox vary from month to month and remain a closely guarded secret. (The surprise is very much part of the experience.)
All the items included in the box are intended to make you feel good: helping you de-stress, find calm, feel pampered, relax, get creative, or simply have fun.


What are the subscription options?
There are two kinds of BuddyBox available: the full fabulous BuddyBox, and its lovely sibling – the BuddyBox Lite.
The BuddyBox (which has at least five items inside) is available as a rolling monthly subscription. You can also buy a one-off box.
The BuddyBox Lite (which contains three products) is available as a rolling monthly subscription. You can also buy a one-off box.

When will the box be delivered?
When you make your purchase, you are ordering a box for the following month. So if you place an order in January (whether it’s the 1st or the 31st), you will receive your BuddyBox in February.
Boxes are shipped from Blurt HQ on the 9th of the month, or the first working day after. We send boxes via Royal Mail 2nd Class post, so will take a few days to arrive within the UK.
International orders are shipped via Air Mail. According to Royal Mail:
Delivery to Europe in 3 to 5 working days
Delivery to the rest of the world in 5 to 7 working days

So if you need a pick up or know someone close to you that needs a pick up then go subscribe. Trust me you will not be disappointed 

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Last year and this year. A comparison

I am "better" than 2015/2016. I had so much to deal with and stuff I had not processed. I lost a dear friend suddenly and felt guilty I was not able to attend his funeral or where he is buried etc. Also a uncle killed himself after rumours were spread about him. And I lost my job that I had done for 9 years.  And my dogs died and we had a big family fall out. So a lot of shit happened and It took me a while to process it all and figure out that it wasn't my fault and nothing I could of done would of helped(apart from work) but that is a whole other blog post.

I had therapy as I have posted before and also started opening up to my doctor more, we now have a great patient doctor relationship and I have new medications that are helping more than what I was on before. And therapy was probably the best thing I could of done. It helped having someone to talk to weekly that was not family or a friend. And she helped me process so much and accept that I couldn't of helped or stopped what happened. And also the family argument helped me realise certain people were getting me down and making me worse.

I also started blogging and this has helped me too and I really want to help others and inspire people and if one person could come and say that my blog helped them it would mean so much.

I also got my tattoo done of a compass. It is in the space where I used to self harm and now I am 8 months clean, It helps me feel grounded and that home is always there and I am safe. I also cannot destroy what is beautiful and I love my tattoo so much.

Work has helped too, made some amazing friends there and some of them have mental health issues too and my manager has been amazing and I am so lucky to have such a supportive team behind me. I think work has helped too with my travel anxiety and It has helped me get back into the world and people etc. I still struggle some days and I want to run and hide but It is getting better and I am finding myself opening up more and letting people in when I need help or am having a bad day.  

So yeah compared to Dec 2015/2016 I am better. I know that my depression and anxiety will never ever go away and I am starting to accept that. I know I need to stay on my medications and I have accepted that too. What I really need to accept is how I look, I think that is going to take longer and I am working on it, But maybe one day I will be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. But for now I am just trying to accept myself for how I am and learning to love myself. And I hope my Mental Health angels are learning to love themselves too because I love you all.

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Not feeling safe

I love going to gigs. I also don't, I really struggle in crowds and have missed loads of shows because my anxiety has stopped me going. Now after everything that has happened with bombings etc it is making me worse. I am wary on trains and the bus and always aware of what is going on around me.

I just worry if or when somethings going to happen nearer me. I am so scared, I just don't feel safe anywhere anymore.

And I have had to get rid of tickets for shows recently and I am gutted but I need to take my own safety first.

Anyone any tips? Or advice

Hormones and depression

It's that time again(sigh) and I am not coping. The pains really bad and I know I have a hormone imbalance so it makes star week not fun.

I am on medications to help make it easier pain wise, But nothing to help how anxious and stressed I get around that time of the month. I just want to curl into a ball in bed and cry. I never sleep well and I know my mood etc goes downhill every 4 weeks. I also find it difficult to do anything but sit on the sofa and feel sorry for myself.

I just wondered if anyone has any good advice or tips on how to cope? I want to see my GP and see if I can get anything else to help but I am already overweight and not sure what else she can do contraception wise. But maybe something else to help my mood as I am horrible around the time of the month and my anxiety goes through the roof too.

Friday, 12 May 2017

This time last year

I was sat in Costa earlier having a hot chocolate and I had a flashback to this time last year.  I would of been having a drink before going to see Rosie my counsellor. I always had a costa before I saw her to help calm me down.

I am now out of therapy, Have been since July last year, I am in a better place. I still have my down days but the suicidal thoughts and wanting to die are not as strong as the urges and thoughts I had last year. I had a really bad patch where I wrapped a cable around my neck and pulled it tight till I felt dizzy. I just wanted everything to fade away and I Just thought that was the way out, I obviously stopped myself, and I am here to tell the story.

I wonder what Rosie would say now, I am in a job I love and I feel I have come so far from last year. I feel like I am starting to love myself and my anxiety is not as bad as it used to be.

So my final thoughts are that no matter how hard things may seem now, with the right support and help it does get better. And never feel like you cannot get back up from the bottom. It does get easier and I really believe talking therapy is a brilliant way to get the help needed. I know I owe everything to Rosie and I am so grateful I found the company that gave me her as my therapist, She was caring and understood and I will always be grateful for them and for me pulling the cable off because I have so much more to live for and a reason to be here. I still have so much in life I want to do and so many people who I want to meet and see.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

My tattoo and why I got it

My compass tattoo is on my left arm. I had it on this side for two reasons. I got it here to stop me cutting and to cover some old scars, I chose a compass to remind me that I always have home and that I can be grounded here. And that no matter what I will always have home to be safe in.

I got it too help me stop cutting as that is the side I used to cut on. It is working so far I am almost 7 months clean and I am so proud of myself, I really want to stop altogether and before I stopped for a year and a half.

Some people see tattoos as self harm, But I don't I see it as art and I think they are beautiful.

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

What Mental health is to me...

People often think Mental Health is all mind fullness and therapy. But there is always another side and one I think people don't really like to talk about.

It is the endless nights of not being able to sleep as your brain over thinks every single thing you have done in your life. And then the not wanting to wake up in the morning because you know the problems will still be there in the morning.

It's the endless doctor appointments for reviews on medication and so they can see how you are doing and keeping an eye on you. The phone call to book the appointments and then the waiting rooms with people who are really "sick". The anxiety of the waiting room and waiting for your name to be called.

The prescription and then having to find someone to take you to collect them and making sure that you order them before they run out. And the interactions with other medications and what you can and cannot take. And the stigma of being on medication, and having to explain to other people why you are on them.

The not wanting to wear short sleeves in the summer as you are scared of people seeing the scars and passing comment, I also have scars on the tops of my legs and I don't want people to see them. The self harming too, and hiding it and having to always have first aid supplies and also hiding them especially at work.

And people who don't understand Mental Health. Who say "What do you have to be depressed about?" And "Oh you will get over it" It is not that easy, And it is not that easy to explain what is going on inside your head especially when you don't understand it yourself.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017


I have had a break from blogging. Had a lot going on at home and stuff and I just needed to take a break and I have not had the time or the enjoyment in writing blog posts. I also had a mind blank and could not think of anything to post. 

My gran has been in hospital for a month so had everything to do with that to deal with, and I was going through a tough time myself. I am feeling a little better. Things at work seem to of settled down again and I am enjoying it. 

I just need to deal with me and the issues I have at the moment and I will be back once I have some inspiration and ideas to blog with. But I am always on twitter if anyone needs me or wants to chat.

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Just a little something I wrote

I love poetry and writing stuff in general. This is a little something I wrote about how recently I am not doing so great.

I thought I had left you far behind
Your claws are digging into my heart
Clawing away bringing the darkness in
Like a black fog clouding my mind
Sometimes you hide and it seems brighter
But then you creep back in like a rolling sea mist
Making yourself heard and seen like a black wave
It’s all so dark and cold here again
I cannot see a light at the end just darkness

Friday, 3 March 2017

Not doing so great

The last week or so my mental health has declined. I don't even want to get out of bed. I am not enjoying my job and the bullying is on my mind 24/7/. Just feel everything is going wrong and I have no way of stopping it. I turn 33 on the 15th march and I am single, living at home and in a 8 hour job coz I cannot handle doing anything more. It is pathetic. I never ever thought my life would of turned out like this.

So if I am off with you, it's not because I am mad at you it is because I am struggling.

Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Dear Bully

Dear Bully

This is the 15 year old girl you called fat. She spent the night crying in her room skipping meals and comparing herself in the mirror. This is the 12 year old boy you called gay, He spent tonight scared of the rumours being spread around school. This is the girl you pushed down the stairs, She spends her nights alone scared when the next beating will come from the man she doesn't know her mum picked up one night.

This is 33 year old me, Bullied from aged 11 the memories still scarred in her brain. Her mental health affected because the memories will never go away. Never feeling comfortable with who she is and how she looks. Because your words cut deep, Into my heart into my head. Spends her night searching for skinny photos wishing she looked like those girls the media portrays because then maybe you might leave me alone. I am sorry your twisted mind thinks Skinny is perfection.

This is me taking a stand. You won't ever know how much your words hurt me because I laugh it off and fake a smile, It does hurt and I wish for one minute you could use the brain you claim to be so clever to stop and take a look around. But no you won't because you think you are clever, but you are not. You are a far from it. 

You think being rude about people's weight or sexuality or gender is clever. Do you never read the news? Do you think it is right a parent burying there children? It should never happen but it does and that's because teenage suicides and eating disorders are on the rise. And it is on the rise because of people like you. People thinking they have every right to bully those who do not fit your image of perfection.

Dear Bully what went so wrong in your life? What if it was your sister brother partner etc being bullied? What would you do then? Go get some help, Do some research because you are obviously hiding your own insecurities.  We do not deserve to feel your pain and your own torture. Would you even care if it was someone you knew in this position?

Sunday, 26 February 2017

Born this way

I am writing this because I feel the media and magazines and reality TV is to blame for Body image and for the bullying and the way people feel about there weight/Sexuality. I know I do look at photos and think I would like to look like her. And it is wrong, When did the law come out that we all have to look a certain way? What made Skinny cool? Everyone is born the way they should be and I think it is about time we take a stand and let people be the people they are.

It's the same with homophobia. We are born loving the people we love. "Love knows no colour or gender. I don't see straight people being bullied for loving a straight person so why is it that Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual etc get bullied for it? It is wrong and something needs to change. It is 2017 and people need to realise it is not right and we need to get with the times and not in the Victorian times. 

Remember.................  "I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby I was born this way"

Bullying at work

I am being bullied at work...By a boy. He is making comments on my weight and saying I am to blame for being the size I am because I am fat. I really don't know what to do, I love my job but right now he is making it very difficult for me and I don't know what to do. I have body issues anyway and I hate the way I look but I don't need people commenting and laughing at me because I am bigger than what he classes normal.

I tried ignoring it but it hurts, It really really hurts and I just want to be skinny so he leaves me alone. I don't know what his problem with me is I am never anything but nice to him and I don't deserve his bitter twisted words. 

I need advice on what to do. I don't know how to approach it with my managers.

Friday, 24 February 2017

Bullying and my own personal experience

I don't know if anyone saw This Morning yesterday but they had a bit on bullying and Cyber bullying. The two teenagers had committed suicide after being cyber bullied. It's awful and heartbreaking especially as they had younger siblings. I have experienced cyber bullying and bullying at school and work too. So I am posting here to tell my story and also try to give advice to anyone who is going through it themselves.

I was bullied at secondary school so from age 11 to age 16. It was a mixture of boys and girls. I got physically beaten several times, and the verbal was pretty much constant. It got worse when I had braces fitted, Then it really was every single day. I got attacked on the bus home and so called friends would not even make an attempt to help or stand up for me. 

I think that the bullying has lead to my depression and anxiety and I thought that a grown adult would not be capable of it but I was so wrong.

I had a boss at work who I won't name but she made work hell. So much so I got signed off with severe depression and anxiety and ended up having 6 months off from work and medications and counselling. She would tell me I was scruffy and I needed to learn how to use an iron and things like that. 

I want to help people with this blog and I am going to try my hardest to give the right advice and links where people can go and get help if they need it.

Bullying uk


Anti Bullying alliance


These two videos are the videos mentioned above from This Morning. This Morning

Please always remember.............. YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS HAVE Consequences

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

10 things I do to help me relax

10 things that help when life is a bit hectic and my anxiety rears it's head

I have anxiety and sometimes life can be a little bit hectic and I sometimes don't have time to do the things that make me feel relaxed. So here is a post on what I do and what I find helps.

1. A lush bath.. I pick a bath bomb and I lock myself away and put my relaxing Spotify play list on and have half hour/hour to myself. 

2. Reading.. Sometimes I like to go lay on my bed and read. I find it gives me something to focus on and It helps me feel grounded.

3. Photography.. I got a new camera for Christmas and I love it. I take photos of anything and everything. I also love editing photos too. I have photo shop so I edit most of my photos on there.

4. Shopping.. I love charity shops. And I always like to treat myself when I get paid. I never go crazy but I do buy myself some nice bits. 

5. You tube.. I love watching You tube videos. I am subscribed to loads of accounts and I really love watching Bath bomb reviews I just find them really relaxing. 

6. Sleeping.. Never feel like you are being lazy, It is recommended you take a nap every day between 1-3pm. Use a eye mask and earplugs and Lavender oil to help you drift away and have a nap and some me time.

7. Cooking.. I am not that great at it but I like to make bread. I love taking my stresses out on kneading it and I find it therapeutic.

8. Chatting with friends.. I have friends all over the place so being able to keep in touch with them on social media is fab. 

9. Films.. I have netflix and Amazon Prime so I can always find something to watch or I just find something in my big DVD collection. I love anything medical and my fave to watch at the moment is Nurse Jackie.

10. My Dogs.. I have three, Baxter a Chocolate Springador who loves nothing more than snuggling under a blanket with me, Barkley is a golden Labradoodle who loves cuddles too and our puppy Busby who is my shadow. I love nothing more than taking photos of them and big fluffy cuddles when I feel down.

Friday, 10 February 2017

Seeing a GP for the first time


This post is all about seeing a GP for the first time when you have depression and anxiety. I shall include my experience and also share some advice and what I did.

I first saw my GP in 2008. I was scared and was not really prepared to what I would say. I took my best friend along with me for support and she was great as we worked together so she knew more on the background of what I was going through and how I was. 

I saw a locum the first couple times then I got to see the GP I would stick with until she sadly left, I was put onto Citalopram and had regular appointments. I was more comfortable once I saw my the lovely lady GP I had as we saw each other regular and she got to know how I was doing and we could keep an eye on symptoms etc. 

Having a good GP is important I think. You have to feel comfortable and if you are not ask to see someone else. You will not get the results you want if you are not comfortable with the doctor. Also too if you are not getting answers and feel your being let down say something. I had a doctor diagnose me wrongly over the phone, It turned out I was more ill than he had said, it was not mental health related but still I complained and got to see the amazing doctor I have now and I am so grateful.

Another bit of advice is write everything down that you want to say. Appointments are only 10 minutes long and also sometimes your anxiety and depression can stop you from being able to communicate what is going on. I have done this a couple of times and it helped so much as my doctor was able to read the notes and then ask questions so it made it easier for me to reply and tell her what was going on,

Never feel alone, GP's treat mental health issues every single day and nothing you say will shock them. Never feel your not ill enough either, And never think you are not worthy of support and help. The GP can also help with finding support groups and also have support websites you can use too and self help books. 

So my advice for GP visits are

1. Take someone you trust with you, be it a friend, Parent, guardian etc
2. Write notes down, Including symptoms and things that are worrying you.
3. Make sure you are comfortable with the GP you are seeing, A healthy and good relationship and one you feel comfortable talking with helps so much. And you will get the help and support you need quicker if you can communicate well with the doctor you are seeing.
4. Deep breath, I know for me anxiety in the waiting room is horrible, I take something with me like my phone that can distract me while I am waiting for appointments.
5. Don't be ashamed if you get upset. I have several times and trust me GP's do not think anything less of you for it.
6. And always make sure you give your self a pat on the back and a treat after, Because making the first step towards seeing a doctor is a big step towards recovery. And I am proud of you for doing it.

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

My depression&Anxiety story

Where it all started

This is my own personal depression & Anxiety story. I know not everyone's is the same and I want you to know It does get better. 

I got diagnosed in October 2008, I was 23. Scared and alone, Going through a tough time in my old job and struggling with realising I was a lesbian and not fully accepting it. I finally had 1 day at work where I had a customer be abusive and I cracked and finally admitted I wanted to cut my wrists and jump out the window. A phone call later and my best friend and work mate telling me she would come with me I had my first doctors appointment. I was scared and felt so alone. 
 The appointment came around and me and my best friend went and I must admit I was lucky I had a good doctor, I was put onto my first anti depressant and signed off work for 4 weeks with an appointment a week later. I ended up being signed off for 6 months and counselling and more appointments and sleeping tablets. 

I am still on medication now and almost 33, I think this illness will never leave me. I must admit I have more good days now than bad but the anxiety is always there. I also don't think that will ever leave me. I just learn to deal with it, I had a great therapist who helped me learn breathing techniques and I have medication that helps me too. 

I am holding down a job albeit 8 hours but at the moment I don't think I can handle anymore, I am physically drained by Sunday evening and It takes me a few days to feel up to doing anything. I still have the best friend who came with me to the appointment, I would never of gone if she had not come along. She also did most of the talking as I got emotional. I owe her the world, She really is an incredible person.

So if you feel you are struggling please please please find a friend and make a GP appointment, I know it is scary but honestly once the first bit is out the way they can help you. I have included some links too and places you can get advice. And also some of my favourite Youtubers who focus on Mental Health issues.

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