Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Last year and this year. A comparison

I am "better" than 2015/2016. I had so much to deal with and stuff I had not processed. I lost a dear friend suddenly and felt guilty I was not able to attend his funeral or where he is buried etc. Also a uncle killed himself after rumours were spread about him. And I lost my job that I had done for 9 years.  And my dogs died and we had a big family fall out. So a lot of shit happened and It took me a while to process it all and figure out that it wasn't my fault and nothing I could of done would of helped(apart from work) but that is a whole other blog post.

I had therapy as I have posted before and also started opening up to my doctor more, we now have a great patient doctor relationship and I have new medications that are helping more than what I was on before. And therapy was probably the best thing I could of done. It helped having someone to talk to weekly that was not family or a friend. And she helped me process so much and accept that I couldn't of helped or stopped what happened. And also the family argument helped me realise certain people were getting me down and making me worse.

I also started blogging and this has helped me too and I really want to help others and inspire people and if one person could come and say that my blog helped them it would mean so much.

I also got my tattoo done of a compass. It is in the space where I used to self harm and now I am 8 months clean, It helps me feel grounded and that home is always there and I am safe. I also cannot destroy what is beautiful and I love my tattoo so much.

Work has helped too, made some amazing friends there and some of them have mental health issues too and my manager has been amazing and I am so lucky to have such a supportive team behind me. I think work has helped too with my travel anxiety and It has helped me get back into the world and people etc. I still struggle some days and I want to run and hide but It is getting better and I am finding myself opening up more and letting people in when I need help or am having a bad day.  

So yeah compared to Dec 2015/2016 I am better. I know that my depression and anxiety will never ever go away and I am starting to accept that. I know I need to stay on my medications and I have accepted that too. What I really need to accept is how I look, I think that is going to take longer and I am working on it, But maybe one day I will be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. But for now I am just trying to accept myself for how I am and learning to love myself. And I hope my Mental Health angels are learning to love themselves too because I love you all.

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