Anxiety
“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.”
I posted a while back about how my anxiety affects me. I thought I would do a little update. I now have been diagnosed as having moderate to severe anxiety and depression. It affects me every single day. I thought on this post I would update more the symptoms I have had. It is inspired by a post I saw Zoella do. I know anxiety is different for everyone. But this is how it affects me and the ways I have learnt to cope with it.
I struggle with what people think of me, This effects me the most and I always think the worst and that people are always thinking the worst of me. And I never ever feel good enough. This can make work hard because I am always worried about doing something wrong. That little thought is always at the back of my head, Even if I am being told that I am doing OK and that I am doing a good job I am always waiting for that one person to tell me that I am not doing a good enough job or making the best effort i can be making.
I find this also effects me when I am out. I always think the worst is going to happen, I will get in a crash or fall over and make an idiot of me. I also have a big fear of travelling on public transport even though I do have to use the bus as I don't drive. I have found though that music and my headphones go everywhere with me and I do manage to calm myself as long as I can see where I am going. I also don't like being too far from home. But I am determined this year to not let that beat me as I miss out on so much and I have so many things I want to do. I love travelling once I am settled and I know where I am going. I have friends that I want to visit around the country. I also love going to the theatre and musicals and concerts. I have a trip planned for April so I won't let the travelling and being away from home stop me going to see a band I love.
I am really shy if I don't know people. I used to talk to anyone but now I would rather be in the corner away and by myself. I find approaching people difficult. It might seem that I am rude and offish but I am not. It is the anxiety, I am OK if people approach me first, And if I know you. Social anxiety is horrible, but I am not going to let it stop me living my life. Not everyone is talking about me and not everyone cares about how you look or what you are doing or the way you dress. It is 2019 and I am almost 35 I won't let it ruin my life anymore. I am going to walk with my head held high, Even if inside my head is screaming at me to run away.
I also find that eating in public is a struggle. Actually when my anxiety is really bad I find eating is a struggle full stop. If I am really anxious I feel really sick and then I don't feel like eating anything. Which in the long run isn't going to make me feel any better. But I am having small meals and I just eat when I want. I am getting better eating out. I am OK if I am with people I know. But eating in places on my own still makes me really anxious and panicky.
I have learnt that anxiety has two types, Hypothetical and practical. Hypothetical means that it's something you cannot do anything about e.g going on holiday and the plane crashing. That isn't something you can do anything about. Practical means that a solution can be found, E.g Going for coffee with a friend and you don't have enough money. The solution can be that you borrow money from someone and then you can pay them back or that maybe this time your friend pays and you pay the next time. I am working on this at the moment and I have to find and plan the solutions for my worries which I write down in my worry diary. For me it is to plan and get some feedback on my job and how well I am doing. I love having homework because it keeps my mind busy and it also gives me something to focus on and work towards.
Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. – English proverb
