Little update

Hey. Just a little update to what has been going on. I started counselling on Jan 22nd, It's a pain having to travel to it(1 hour each way) but I feel comfortable with her, She seems really nice and I feel like I can talk to her. I've had some homework to do, I have to write a worry diary. I see her again on Weds and it will be every two weeks. I have managed to fit them in around my work hours which helps. 

I have also lost a dear friend suddenly, She died of a heart attack in January. She was 57, and I shall miss her a lot. She meant a lot to me and she taught me a lot in the 7 and a half years I worked with her. I couldn't face the funeral but I've donated to the charity she wanted to donate too. 

One year almost over and a new year just around the corner.

Well 2018 is almost over. And good riddance I think. It has been a really rubbish year for me and the family. We have lost people close to us and had a lot of health scares. The only good thing to come out of 2018 for us as a family is my beautiful baby Nephew. He always makes me feel better and he is such a happy baby that you cannot feel anything but love and happiness when he is around. 

The last few months of 2018 have been really really stressful. I never thought that this year would end up being the way it has. With my mum being in hospital and all the problems she's had with her heart has been scary. It was horrible having the one person who has always been so strong and held everyone else together be so vulnerable and poorly really shook me up and I think it is going to take me a long time to get over that night and the trauma it caused. But my mum being my mum has been so strong and it is inspiring really how well she is coping with everything. I love her a lot and she will always be my rock. And she always makes me feel better when I am struggling and not doing so great. It is also times like this when you realise how much people matter. My mum's work mates have been amazing and I am lucky enough to work with them too and we have defiantly got a lot closer now.  And I also want to say how amazing the NHS are and the work they do. My mum received nothing but amazing care when she was in hospital and we are always eternally grateful. I also got amazing care when I myself ended up in A&E recently. 

Anyways looking forward to the new year and I have some goals lined up. My main one is to lose weight and get into better shape. I don't want to be a fat bridesmaid when my sister gets married and I also don't want to be the fat girl on the plane. I also need to get over my fear of flying as my sister is thinking of getting married abroad. I don't want to miss her wedding because I am so scared to fly. I know I will probably be fine but I still am really anxious about it all. 

I also want to make more of this blog and put more effort into it because I have not used it as well as I had planned and I want it to be somewhere I can just write down everything I am feeling and maybe use it to help others. I've always wanted that to be the main reason for my blog. To help others. I start counselling in Jan and I hope to maybe learn some new coping methods and also learn some advice etc so I may share my counselling and therapy journey on here. I will need an output anyways and I think blogging is going to be my way of doing it. 

I also want to make more out of my photography and maybe start adding some of my photography here. I feel like I am wasting it just by keeping them on twitter and instagram. I might start taking photos when I go to my counselling sessions and then use them in the posts I have mentioned above. Because photography is one thing I really love and I do enjoy it and I find sometimes it helps me to when I am feeling a bit stressed and a bit anxious. 

What plans do you have for 2019? Any goals you want to achieve? Let me know in the comments below. 

Update on an update

Hey! It is an update on an update, Because some things have happened since. I didn't see the original counselling company I was supposed to see, I couldn't afford the price they wanted each week. It would of cost me £80 a month for half an hour every week. So I am now seeing a free one starting in January. 

My GP didn't go well, she basically told me to find a hobby and get some exercise. And my medications won't be upped or changed. So I guess it is all down to me now. I need to try fight it all myself. 

I am 35 in March and I am determined to feel better by then, I have 90 odd days to loose weight and start to feel better physically and mentally. 

So that's all really that I have to update. I am struggling still and I cannot wait for a break from work, I have 10 days left to work. I love my job but I need a break. I am super tired. I cannot wait to have some time with family. 

Dear Family and friends

This post is a letter to everyone that knows me, It is what I want people to know about my mental health.


Dear family friends and everyone in between 

This is a letter to you. To the ones who have known me forever, the ones who have not known me very long and everyone else in between. I have depression and anxiety. I have had it since 2008. And this is everything I want you to know, The good and the bad sides. 

Firstly I want you to know is that even though I have these conditions it does not make me MENTAL or contagious. It just means my brain works different to yours. I am not dangerous or a risk to anyone other than myself. I am not crazy, Just a bit different. I won't harm you or cause you any pain or injury. So don't treat me like I will. The worst thing you can do is cut me off. I have anxiety already and making yourself distant can really upset me and I have lost so called friends over this before. Also I can sometimes be difficult but this is part of the problems I have so be patient with me and it will all be OK in the future.

I can be emotional and clingy. But that is because I am scared I will loose you. If you mean a lot to me I can become attached easily and I hate the feeling of those close to me becoming distant. I also don't like when friends cancel on me. Because then I feel like it is my fault and something I have done wrong. And then spend the rest of the day beating myself up over it. Also I don't like being treated like dirt and lied to either. I have been there, And also don't like being lead along. 

The anxiety side means I worry over every single thing. And recently it has stopped me doing stuff. It really annoys me when people say I have nothing to worry about. I do, I have every single thing that could happen to worry about. I need to plan before I do stuff and when things don't go to plan I panic. I've written a post before about how my anxiety affects me. Recently it is over travelling and going to places on my own.  I want people to know how hard it is. Social anxiety is hard, And I have panic attacks. I need to be close to home where I feel safe. 

When I'm having a really down time, I sometimes find it hard to do stuff, Like getting dressed, But it does not mean I am lazy. It just means I don't have the motivation or energy to do it. Please don't call me lazy because that hurts me and makes me feel worse. I also feel bad when you comment on how long I spend in bed. Sometimes that for me is where I feel safe. And sometimes I just need my own space and the peace and quiet. So if I am in my room just leave me be. 

It is hard having depression, people sometimes think I do it for attention. I don't. Having this is the last thing I wish for anyone. It is horrible. Why would I do it for attention? I have anxiety, Attention is the last thing I want. So please think before you speak.

I also find it hard having conversations, and approaching people. I am always worrying about what they will say or think about me. So if I don't come and make conversation with you, don't think I am being rude. I'm not 

Anxiety and how I cope with it.

This post is about my anxiety and how I cope with it and things I use to calm myself down. And also a bit about how my Anxiety shows itself. Recently it has been quite bad and I thought I would do an up to date post on it and how I use techniques to calm myself down and what helps me and what doesn't help.

I have really bad anxiety when I am travelling. Be it on a bus or car or train. I always have to have my music with me wherever I go. I always make sure my battery is charged on my phone and I have play lists made on Spotify and iTunes that help me when I am really anxious. I find that I relax more if I listen to a certain type of music. The ones I love the most are musical theatre and classical crossover. My favourite artists to listen to are Rhydian, Collabro, G4 and Jason Manford's musical album. I find if I listen to anything more upbeat it can make my anxiety worse. 

I also have music that helps when I cannot sleep. I have one favourite and that is ocean sounds. I like the sound of the waves crashing over stones, It calms me right down and I like to think about being on a beach. 

Things I like to do when I am anxious and need to have some me time is editing photos. I also love photography, I have found recently that sunset photos are my favourite thing to photograph. I will insert some of my recent photos I have taken below. It was beautiful and I didn't want it to go dark, I could of sat there for hours. 

I also have three dogs and they help me when I am feeling really down and anxious. I love taking photos of them too. I shall insert some photos below I have taken. 

My anxiety is usually brought on by me feeling really panicky and I get really hot. I also don't like being around people. I start feeling really sick and dizzy and usually get a really bad stomach ache. I also find that I need to lay down and sleep it off. The worst one is the feeling of everyone looking at me and laughing at me, I used to get this really bad in my old job, Especially when I was eating. I didn't like anyone being near me or sitting with me when I was eating. I also find when I am really anxious I go really quiet. But my main thing which has started recently is I have to wash my hands three times. Which wasn't helping my skin and it made my hands really sore. 

I also don't like things to happen out of the blue, I need to know plans and stuff before it is going to happen. I like to know what is happening and stuff so I can plan what I need and what I want to take and if I will be in any situations I won't like. I am rubbish at theme parks as I don't like the rides so I am always bag holder. I don't like not being in control and the speed and everything makes my anxiety so bad that I forget to breathe which is never a good thing. I also don't like really big crowds. I get super panicky and it has stopped me going to London anymore since the terror attacks. I used to go to London on my own without any worries. But that is one place I won't go to anymore. I have missed out on so much good stuff due to my travel anxieties. I am determined to not let it beat me though because I have some big trips planned for this year and next year and I have so much I want to do still. 

How my anxiety affects me.

I have social and generalised anxiety. I worry about everything! Social anxiety is my worst one, I really struggle with this. Recently it has stopped me going to stuff and doing stuff that I have really wanted to do. I find if I am going alone, I usually end up not doing it or not going. But I have decided that I cannot let it beat me. So I have booked two events, One this year and means travelling on my own. And one next year which also means travelling. 

I am going to post how it affects me and signs and symptoms I get. I really struggle sometimes and people don't always understand. I think that they just think I am being awkward and difficult but I am really not. I just want to run away and hide. It is not easy having social anxiety and it makes me sometimes apparently appear rude and obnoxious. 

First way it affects me is I go really quiet. And I get really hot and sweaty. I am on medication that is supposed to stop this, Then I get the chest pains which sometimes can be really painful and palpitations. Then I get the thoughts that something is going to go wrong or happen. I find this always happens when I am going to gigs, or events. I get myself so worked up that I usually want to cancel. Recently that happened to me when I was going to a concert and I came so close to cancelling. I actually had a panic attack in my room before. 

Another thing I struggle with is eating in public and in front of people I don't know. I used to really struggle with this in my canteen at my old work. We used to eat with management and the other people working there, I used to sit with my headphones in and try sit on my own far away from other people. I know sometimes it looks like I am being difficult with this but I get major panicky and I really struggle, I don't know if this stems from secondary school where I would have food thrown at me. Usually it is only me that this affects as I don't really go out with people I am not comfortable around. And my friends are used to it now, I am also super clumsy too and drop food down myself a lot. 

I also have another thing that I get where if I am really anxious I find myself having to wash my hands three or four times in a row. It made my skin really bad recently and I had to tell people it was because I was using hand gel too much. Another thing is I have to check and double check myself. This is more if I am travelling. I have to check my route and I have to double check times etc. I don't like delays or things being late or having to change plans. So when my train is delayed it really gets me panicky and worked up and it does stop me travelling sometimes. 

Also when I am away I always get super homesick and I hate being away from home so much. I always worry something is going to happen when I am away and I don't have anyone that can help. I found this to be the case recently when I ended up getting injured on a train journey. I couldn't find any staff to get first aid from. And I ended up with a swollen hand and being in a lot of pain, and it ruined the evening I was going too because I was in pain and I just wanted to be home with my mum and to be safe. 

I also don't like being home alone. I have to lock the doors especially at night. It is a little bit better now we have the dogs and they bark at even the slightest noise(but that then makes me really jumpy). 

I also HATE using the telephone at all. I really struggle with making phone calls to anyone that is not family. It makes me feel really sick and my heart beats 1000 times a minute. I also don't answer phone calls unless I know who it is. It makes ringing for doctor appointments really difficult. 

Which leads me to another thing that I struggle with and that is waiting rooms and seeing a doctor. Luckily I have my Doctor I see now and she is brilliant, but if I have to see anyone else I really get panicky. I have had the same doctor for a few years now and we have a good doctor patient relationship and she understands me and I always make sure I try get an appointment with her every single time because she listens and gives me the time to explain. But if I am struggling I make sure I write down what is bothering me. 

And my last one is I always have to have my headphones with me if I am alone or going out on my own. My therapist always laughed because I would have my music on. I find my love of musical theatre especially helps with calming my anxieties down when I am travelling. I also don't like the supermarkets. They give me huge anxiety especially if I get separated from my mum and dad. I get proper anxiety over it. I think that stems from when I got lost in our town when I was 4 years old.

Does anyone have any good tips for anxiety?