A little update

It's been a while since I last posted. So I thought I would do an update. It is not a positive one though as things are not great. I am having a really tough time. It's been a bit of a rough few weeks with my mum being rushed to hospital and then my mental health taking a battering. 

I have been to see someone and I have things happening and in place to get myself back to how I used to be. I think I may have some sort of PTSD but I obviously have not had it diagnosed. I am finding falling asleep hard and then that leads to me being really tired. And I have no energy at all. I just want to spend every day all day asleep. I am also not eating great and I have lost a stone in weight since my mum got rushed to hospital. I know I need to lose weight and I am happy but it isn't the right way of doing it. 

I am back into counselling and have my first appointment on Thursday with the same ones I saw about three years ago. Sadly not the same therapist but I am OK with it. I know it is what I need to do. 

It's times like this though that really help you find who is a friend and who isn't. I have had some lovely support and also some not so great support but it's fine. The ones who didn't care have gone. 

I shall update you all again in a week or so and let you know how counselling went and what has been said. I see my doctor next week as well and my medication may be upped. It's all gone wrong since a doctor changed my dose to 15mg from 30mg without consulting my doctor. 

Grief and my experiences

 

Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. 

Today's post is all about Grief. And the experiences I have had with it. Not an easy subject to talk about for me right now as I am struggling with accepting a friend's death. But I feel that the only way I can accept it is to blog and share how I feel with you all. 

I have lost a few really special people to me in my life. I think my first proper loss was when a school friend passed away when she was 13. Her sister was in my year and in my friendship group and it affected us all really hard. I think though back then I didn't really know what death was. Or how I was supposed to feel. I remember not going to her funeral because I was too scared to say goodbye and I didn't want to remember her like that. I remember my best friend at the time went and she came back so upset she had to go home. I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to remember her as she was when she was alive.

The next death I remember happened when I was 18 and I lost my granddad to cancer. I got the call at college to say he was dying and I just remember feeling the biggest feeling of being numb and just wanting the world to stop. I saw him the night before he died so I did get to say goodbye, And the funeral was horrible I remember crying loads. And just feeling like life was so unfair, and that it was very final. I still got really upset seeing his grave for many years afterwards. Death is so final. But I am spiritual and I know it is never ever goodbye. We will see each other again one day when the time comes.

The next death affected me a lot different and I struggled with it for a really long time. My cousin died when she was 31. From cancer again. Her death hit me really hard as I saw her the day before she passed away. She died from complications from the cancer. Completely unexpected. A heart attack due to fluid around her heart. I think the fact she had a year old daughter also really hurt me too. I found her death so hard that I had to have time off work and stay with a friend so I could have a break and just be away from everything. It was so hard. Also it was my first cremation and I never ever want to go to another one of those. The minute the curtains opened and her coffin went into those curtains I cried harder than I ever cried before. I think this death was when my depression got really bad. I couldn't accept that she was gone. But I remember the day we cremated her that the sun shone and it was really hot and I got a sun tan. I think that was her looking down on us all. 

Then the next big death was my sister in law's mum again from cancer. Another funeral where I cried the whole way through the service. But she really was an incredible lady and her death hit us all so so hard. 

My friend Paul's death was really hard too. I still cannot accept it now and I don't know if I ever will. He was not expected to die. Healthy and a pharmacist It was so unexpected. I knew he had a chest infection but I never ever expected him to die from Sepsis. I never got to say goodbye to him, and we were really close friends. I still struggle to accept he has gone now and it will be two years in November. I got really depressed around the time he died. I miss him so much. I miss his caring side and when he tried teaching me Chinese. He really was an amazing man I do sometimes feel him around me. Especially when I get signs. I will see him again one day. I like to think he is beside me looking out for me and beside me every day. 

How my anxiety affects me.

I have social and generalised anxiety. I worry about everything! Social anxiety is my worst one, I really struggle with this. Recently it has stopped me going to stuff and doing stuff that I have really wanted to do. I find if I am going alone, I usually end up not doing it or not going. But I have decided that I cannot let it beat me. So I have booked two events, One this year and means travelling on my own. And one next year which also means travelling. 

I am going to post how it affects me and signs and symptoms I get. I really struggle sometimes and people don't always understand. I think that they just think I am being awkward and difficult but I am really not. I just want to run away and hide. It is not easy having social anxiety and it makes me sometimes apparently appear rude and obnoxious. 

First way it affects me is I go really quiet. And I get really hot and sweaty. I am on medication that is supposed to stop this, Then I get the chest pains which sometimes can be really painful and palpitations. Then I get the thoughts that something is going to go wrong or happen. I find this always happens when I am going to gigs, or events. I get myself so worked up that I usually want to cancel. Recently that happened to me when I was going to a concert and I came so close to cancelling. I actually had a panic attack in my room before. 

Another thing I struggle with is eating in public and in front of people I don't know. I used to really struggle with this in my canteen at my old work. We used to eat with management and the other people working there, I used to sit with my headphones in and try sit on my own far away from other people. I know sometimes it looks like I am being difficult with this but I get major panicky and I really struggle, I don't know if this stems from secondary school where I would have food thrown at me. Usually it is only me that this affects as I don't really go out with people I am not comfortable around. And my friends are used to it now, I am also super clumsy too and drop food down myself a lot. 

I also have another thing that I get where if I am really anxious I find myself having to wash my hands three or four times in a row. It made my skin really bad recently and I had to tell people it was because I was using hand gel too much. Another thing is I have to check and double check myself. This is more if I am travelling. I have to check my route and I have to double check times etc. I don't like delays or things being late or having to change plans. So when my train is delayed it really gets me panicky and worked up and it does stop me travelling sometimes. 

Also when I am away I always get super homesick and I hate being away from home so much. I always worry something is going to happen when I am away and I don't have anyone that can help. I found this to be the case recently when I ended up getting injured on a train journey. I couldn't find any staff to get first aid from. And I ended up with a swollen hand and being in a lot of pain, and it ruined the evening I was going too because I was in pain and I just wanted to be home with my mum and to be safe. 

I also don't like being home alone. I have to lock the doors especially at night. It is a little bit better now we have the dogs and they bark at even the slightest noise(but that then makes me really jumpy). 

I also HATE using the telephone at all. I really struggle with making phone calls to anyone that is not family. It makes me feel really sick and my heart beats 1000 times a minute. I also don't answer phone calls unless I know who it is. It makes ringing for doctor appointments really difficult. 

Which leads me to another thing that I struggle with and that is waiting rooms and seeing a doctor. Luckily I have my Doctor I see now and she is brilliant, but if I have to see anyone else I really get panicky. I have had the same doctor for a few years now and we have a good doctor patient relationship and she understands me and I always make sure I try get an appointment with her every single time because she listens and gives me the time to explain. But if I am struggling I make sure I write down what is bothering me. 

And my last one is I always have to have my headphones with me if I am alone or going out on my own. My therapist always laughed because I would have my music on. I find my love of musical theatre especially helps with calming my anxieties down when I am travelling. I also don't like the supermarkets. They give me huge anxiety especially if I get separated from my mum and dad. I get proper anxiety over it. I think that stems from when I got lost in our town when I was 4 years old.

Does anyone have any good tips for anxiety?