A little update

It's been a while since I last posted. So I thought I would do an update. It is not a positive one though as things are not great. I am having a really tough time. It's been a bit of a rough few weeks with my mum being rushed to hospital and then my mental health taking a battering. 

I have been to see someone and I have things happening and in place to get myself back to how I used to be. I think I may have some sort of PTSD but I obviously have not had it diagnosed. I am finding falling asleep hard and then that leads to me being really tired. And I have no energy at all. I just want to spend every day all day asleep. I am also not eating great and I have lost a stone in weight since my mum got rushed to hospital. I know I need to lose weight and I am happy but it isn't the right way of doing it. 

I am back into counselling and have my first appointment on Thursday with the same ones I saw about three years ago. Sadly not the same therapist but I am OK with it. I know it is what I need to do. 

It's times like this though that really help you find who is a friend and who isn't. I have had some lovely support and also some not so great support but it's fine. The ones who didn't care have gone. 

I shall update you all again in a week or so and let you know how counselling went and what has been said. I see my doctor next week as well and my medication may be upped. It's all gone wrong since a doctor changed my dose to 15mg from 30mg without consulting my doctor. 

Battle(A poem)

It's been a really stressful and exhausting and emotional week and I don't really have the energy or am I in the right mindset to think of anything at the moment to post. So I didn't want the blog to go unloved so I wrote this and I think it sums up how I am feeling at the moment. 

I say goodnight and turn off the lights

Hoping the demons don’t come out to play

I close my eyes to sleep but the voices in my head scream no

It’s like I’m running from the evil

But it’s dark and I fall down 

I’m screaming so loud 

But it’s just a silent whisper 

It’s a battle I keep trying to win

But my sword won’t protect me 

My shield slips and it’s a stab in my back

While the pain rushes out my chest 

And the screams turn deadly silent 

That nightmare I’m living 

Where I’m stuck and alone

While everyone around me keeps running further away 

It’s a chaotic mess that needs cleaning 

But you can’t find the end or beginning 

So that pile keeps on building 

And the ache just keeps on hurting

It’s like a story with no happy ending 

Just a messed up little fairytale 

But the princess doesn’t meet her prince

And the tears don’t stop falling