Struggling

I'm not doing so great. Actually I am doing quite badly, I've got some rubbish stuff going on with family and work is really getting me down.

I also don't know how I can afford Christmas, Everyone is so happy and looking forward to it and I cannot wait for it to be over. It's so expensive and I am struggling to be able to afford it. 

I have had those thoughts, Where I would be better if I wasn't here. I have had friends stab me in the back at work, And it means I am being moved off my department. I am looking for a new job after Christmas so I can get out. I have tried to enjoy it but it is making my mental health worse. And the travelling and cost is ridiculous. I don't think I will miss anyone if I leave either. I don't trust anyone that works there anymore. I know that is a bad thing to say but it is the truth.

I am also getting my urges back to self harm and hurt myself. I just need to feel pain, so I can get my anger out of my system. I also want to sleep for ages, I just want to get home from work and sleep. It's the only thing that stops the feeling of wanting to cry. 

Sorry it is not a happy post. But that is depression, It never goes away.

My letter to death

Dear Death

I once wanted you so badly. Thoughts clouded every single minute of my day, I could not get the thought out of my head. I wanted to be with the ones that had left me behind, especially you. The one who I loved and the friend that got me. I tried once, It didn't happen. And I think in a way I am glad it didn't even though at the time I felt so angry and hated myself for it not happening. 

I have so much to live for at the moment. Life is getting better since the dark times I had 2 years ago. I really thought my world had ended and I couldn't find a way out of the big black hole I had fallen down. I felt so stupid and so scared of the future and if I could ever find myself again. It has not been an easy journey, But I suppose that is Mental Health all over. Nothing is ever easy though. We are sent trials to test us. And being able to fight them is part of the journey.

I have scars and they won't ever fade, But they show the battle I fought and that I am a survivor. I came through the darkest of times and the hardest fight I had to fight. I lost people through the battle but they don't matter and my life is so much better without them. 

I am in a better place and I am proud of how far I have come. Sometimes the thoughts come back and I do wonder if maybe one day they won't. But I have learnt how to deal with them now. This blog has helped and I am glad I started it.  I have stuff to focus on now, I have to live to be the best Auntie my nephew will have. I have a job I love and friends who couldn't cope if I wasn't around.

I have to be strong and help others, I want to help make a difference and help those who like me are struggling. It does get better and it gets better today.

Death I don't want you anymore, I want to live. I want the thoughts to go. I want to live my life to the fullest and the best version of me I can be. Because life's for the living.

Biggest inspirations

This post is more of a cheerful happier post. I want to post about some of the people that inspire me on my mental health journey.

1. Philippa Hanna. 
@Philippahanna  

I love this lady to the moon. She has always been a big inspiration to me and she is a beautiful soul inside and out. I have been lucky enough to meet her a couple of times and hear her beautiful songs and music live. Her music is inspired by her battles and journey through life. And her songs and lyrics are what I love. I always listen to Philippa when I feel really down and her music picks me back up.

Everyone go follow her. She really is inspirational. 

2. Collabro 
I love these boys SO much! They are the most friendliest beautiful talented angels. I have seen them live three times now and they always make me emotional. I love musical theatre. 

3. Josh Curnow
I have only seen Josh live once but I love him and his music. He also inspires me with his lyrics and the journey he has gone through. Also though I am not religious I find his belief's inspiring too. He is also local to me so I have to support him really. 

4. G4
I have been a fan of these guys since day 1. Back in the day I followed them around the country. I love them all so much! Seen them so many times and they get better and better. Also really lovely guys too, I love Mike the most(don't tell the others heehe)

5.Miranda Hart
She's funny! And I can relate to her character so much. I always put her dvd's on and I am instantly cheered up.
Plus she sent me a tweet before I got my job, And it helped me apply for the job I am in now.

6. Heather Peace
I love the bones of this lady. She is my biggest inspiration and idol. I love her! She's always so supportive and friendly and gives amazing hugs too. She helped me when I came out and also always has amazing advice. Her music always makes me feel better too. 

Last of all my biggest inspiration and the most beautiful man I have ever met. Rhydian! I love him SO SO SO much and he is always there for me. His music is like a warm hug and he just blows me away every time I get to see him. I think he is an angel, Seriously he is 1 in a million to me and I love him to the moon and back. Plus he is gorgeous and gives the most incredible hugs. He is like a best friend to me and I know we will always have each other's backs. 

How I cope with my anxiety at work

I work 8 hours a week, It isn't many hours but right now it suits me. Believe me it does not always seem easy, Some days I get so anxious before I go in that I have to countdown by the staff door before I go in. Some days I want to run, and my heart pounds I am surprised people cannot hear it. I also get random anxiety attacks through the day out of no where. I guess it comes from being told in previous jobs that I am not good enough. So I am always worried that I am going to be told that I am not up to the standards asked and sorry we have to get rid of you. Any way apart from my medication I have some tips on what I do to help me calm down and keep my anxiety at bay.

1. Breathe! I have learnt some breathing techniques through my mental health journey. And a tip I learnt from my counsellor is to push your heels into the ground, It helps you feel grounded and can help stop a panic attack.

2. I keep something in my pocket, it can be a pen, just something I can hold or play with when I am feeling anxious. 

3. Drink water, It helps me stop the sick feeling I get and can calm me down too.

4. Keep busy, I hate being quiet at work because I feel that is the time something will happen that will make my anxiety really bad.

5. Talk to someone. My friends I work with know what signs to look out for and know when I am feeling rubbish. And they know how to cheer me up too. Also I do feel that having management know that you have anxiety can help, as they can keep an eye on you and help when it is getting a bit tough going.

6. Wear a band. I sometimes keep a hairband or elastic band around my wrist, so I can flick it when I need a distraction method. 

7. Go take 5 minutes. I usually call it a toilet break, but sometimes it is just for me to go sit on the loo and collect my thoughts and breathe. I also get a drink. I find that sometimes it's all I need is to take myself out of the situation and find somewhere safe and quiet to just breathe.