A little update

It's been a while since I last posted. So I thought I would do an update. It is not a positive one though as things are not great. I am having a really tough time. It's been a bit of a rough few weeks with my mum being rushed to hospital and then my mental health taking a battering. 

I have been to see someone and I have things happening and in place to get myself back to how I used to be. I think I may have some sort of PTSD but I obviously have not had it diagnosed. I am finding falling asleep hard and then that leads to me being really tired. And I have no energy at all. I just want to spend every day all day asleep. I am also not eating great and I have lost a stone in weight since my mum got rushed to hospital. I know I need to lose weight and I am happy but it isn't the right way of doing it. 

I am back into counselling and have my first appointment on Thursday with the same ones I saw about three years ago. Sadly not the same therapist but I am OK with it. I know it is what I need to do. 

It's times like this though that really help you find who is a friend and who isn't. I have had some lovely support and also some not so great support but it's fine. The ones who didn't care have gone. 

I shall update you all again in a week or so and let you know how counselling went and what has been said. I see my doctor next week as well and my medication may be upped. It's all gone wrong since a doctor changed my dose to 15mg from 30mg without consulting my doctor. 

Battle(A poem)

It's been a really stressful and exhausting and emotional week and I don't really have the energy or am I in the right mindset to think of anything at the moment to post. So I didn't want the blog to go unloved so I wrote this and I think it sums up how I am feeling at the moment. 

I say goodnight and turn off the lights

Hoping the demons don’t come out to play

I close my eyes to sleep but the voices in my head scream no

It’s like I’m running from the evil

But it’s dark and I fall down 

I’m screaming so loud 

But it’s just a silent whisper 

It’s a battle I keep trying to win

But my sword won’t protect me 

My shield slips and it’s a stab in my back

While the pain rushes out my chest 

And the screams turn deadly silent 

That nightmare I’m living 

Where I’m stuck and alone

While everyone around me keeps running further away 

It’s a chaotic mess that needs cleaning 

But you can’t find the end or beginning 

So that pile keeps on building 

And the ache just keeps on hurting

It’s like a story with no happy ending 

Just a messed up little fairytale 

But the princess doesn’t meet her prince

And the tears don’t stop falling 

Dear Family and friends

This post is a letter to everyone that knows me, It is what I want people to know about my mental health.


Dear family friends and everyone in between 

This is a letter to you. To the ones who have known me forever, the ones who have not known me very long and everyone else in between. I have depression and anxiety. I have had it since 2008. And this is everything I want you to know, The good and the bad sides. 

Firstly I want you to know is that even though I have these conditions it does not make me MENTAL or contagious. It just means my brain works different to yours. I am not dangerous or a risk to anyone other than myself. I am not crazy, Just a bit different. I won't harm you or cause you any pain or injury. So don't treat me like I will. The worst thing you can do is cut me off. I have anxiety already and making yourself distant can really upset me and I have lost so called friends over this before. Also I can sometimes be difficult but this is part of the problems I have so be patient with me and it will all be OK in the future.

I can be emotional and clingy. But that is because I am scared I will loose you. If you mean a lot to me I can become attached easily and I hate the feeling of those close to me becoming distant. I also don't like when friends cancel on me. Because then I feel like it is my fault and something I have done wrong. And then spend the rest of the day beating myself up over it. Also I don't like being treated like dirt and lied to either. I have been there, And also don't like being lead along. 

The anxiety side means I worry over every single thing. And recently it has stopped me doing stuff. It really annoys me when people say I have nothing to worry about. I do, I have every single thing that could happen to worry about. I need to plan before I do stuff and when things don't go to plan I panic. I've written a post before about how my anxiety affects me. Recently it is over travelling and going to places on my own.  I want people to know how hard it is. Social anxiety is hard, And I have panic attacks. I need to be close to home where I feel safe. 

When I'm having a really down time, I sometimes find it hard to do stuff, Like getting dressed, But it does not mean I am lazy. It just means I don't have the motivation or energy to do it. Please don't call me lazy because that hurts me and makes me feel worse. I also feel bad when you comment on how long I spend in bed. Sometimes that for me is where I feel safe. And sometimes I just need my own space and the peace and quiet. So if I am in my room just leave me be. 

It is hard having depression, people sometimes think I do it for attention. I don't. Having this is the last thing I wish for anyone. It is horrible. Why would I do it for attention? I have anxiety, Attention is the last thing I want. So please think before you speak.

I also find it hard having conversations, and approaching people. I am always worrying about what they will say or think about me. So if I don't come and make conversation with you, don't think I am being rude. I'm not 

How my anxiety affects me.

I have social and generalised anxiety. I worry about everything! Social anxiety is my worst one, I really struggle with this. Recently it has stopped me going to stuff and doing stuff that I have really wanted to do. I find if I am going alone, I usually end up not doing it or not going. But I have decided that I cannot let it beat me. So I have booked two events, One this year and means travelling on my own. And one next year which also means travelling. 

I am going to post how it affects me and signs and symptoms I get. I really struggle sometimes and people don't always understand. I think that they just think I am being awkward and difficult but I am really not. I just want to run away and hide. It is not easy having social anxiety and it makes me sometimes apparently appear rude and obnoxious. 

First way it affects me is I go really quiet. And I get really hot and sweaty. I am on medication that is supposed to stop this, Then I get the chest pains which sometimes can be really painful and palpitations. Then I get the thoughts that something is going to go wrong or happen. I find this always happens when I am going to gigs, or events. I get myself so worked up that I usually want to cancel. Recently that happened to me when I was going to a concert and I came so close to cancelling. I actually had a panic attack in my room before. 

Another thing I struggle with is eating in public and in front of people I don't know. I used to really struggle with this in my canteen at my old work. We used to eat with management and the other people working there, I used to sit with my headphones in and try sit on my own far away from other people. I know sometimes it looks like I am being difficult with this but I get major panicky and I really struggle, I don't know if this stems from secondary school where I would have food thrown at me. Usually it is only me that this affects as I don't really go out with people I am not comfortable around. And my friends are used to it now, I am also super clumsy too and drop food down myself a lot. 

I also have another thing that I get where if I am really anxious I find myself having to wash my hands three or four times in a row. It made my skin really bad recently and I had to tell people it was because I was using hand gel too much. Another thing is I have to check and double check myself. This is more if I am travelling. I have to check my route and I have to double check times etc. I don't like delays or things being late or having to change plans. So when my train is delayed it really gets me panicky and worked up and it does stop me travelling sometimes. 

Also when I am away I always get super homesick and I hate being away from home so much. I always worry something is going to happen when I am away and I don't have anyone that can help. I found this to be the case recently when I ended up getting injured on a train journey. I couldn't find any staff to get first aid from. And I ended up with a swollen hand and being in a lot of pain, and it ruined the evening I was going too because I was in pain and I just wanted to be home with my mum and to be safe. 

I also don't like being home alone. I have to lock the doors especially at night. It is a little bit better now we have the dogs and they bark at even the slightest noise(but that then makes me really jumpy). 

I also HATE using the telephone at all. I really struggle with making phone calls to anyone that is not family. It makes me feel really sick and my heart beats 1000 times a minute. I also don't answer phone calls unless I know who it is. It makes ringing for doctor appointments really difficult. 

Which leads me to another thing that I struggle with and that is waiting rooms and seeing a doctor. Luckily I have my Doctor I see now and she is brilliant, but if I have to see anyone else I really get panicky. I have had the same doctor for a few years now and we have a good doctor patient relationship and she understands me and I always make sure I try get an appointment with her every single time because she listens and gives me the time to explain. But if I am struggling I make sure I write down what is bothering me. 

And my last one is I always have to have my headphones with me if I am alone or going out on my own. My therapist always laughed because I would have my music on. I find my love of musical theatre especially helps with calming my anxieties down when I am travelling. I also don't like the supermarkets. They give me huge anxiety especially if I get separated from my mum and dad. I get proper anxiety over it. I think that stems from when I got lost in our town when I was 4 years old.

Does anyone have any good tips for anxiety?