One year almost over and a new year just around the corner.

Well 2018 is almost over. And good riddance I think. It has been a really rubbish year for me and the family. We have lost people close to us and had a lot of health scares. The only good thing to come out of 2018 for us as a family is my beautiful baby Nephew. He always makes me feel better and he is such a happy baby that you cannot feel anything but love and happiness when he is around. 

The last few months of 2018 have been really really stressful. I never thought that this year would end up being the way it has. With my mum being in hospital and all the problems she's had with her heart has been scary. It was horrible having the one person who has always been so strong and held everyone else together be so vulnerable and poorly really shook me up and I think it is going to take me a long time to get over that night and the trauma it caused. But my mum being my mum has been so strong and it is inspiring really how well she is coping with everything. I love her a lot and she will always be my rock. And she always makes me feel better when I am struggling and not doing so great. It is also times like this when you realise how much people matter. My mum's work mates have been amazing and I am lucky enough to work with them too and we have defiantly got a lot closer now.  And I also want to say how amazing the NHS are and the work they do. My mum received nothing but amazing care when she was in hospital and we are always eternally grateful. I also got amazing care when I myself ended up in A&E recently. 

Anyways looking forward to the new year and I have some goals lined up. My main one is to lose weight and get into better shape. I don't want to be a fat bridesmaid when my sister gets married and I also don't want to be the fat girl on the plane. I also need to get over my fear of flying as my sister is thinking of getting married abroad. I don't want to miss her wedding because I am so scared to fly. I know I will probably be fine but I still am really anxious about it all. 

I also want to make more of this blog and put more effort into it because I have not used it as well as I had planned and I want it to be somewhere I can just write down everything I am feeling and maybe use it to help others. I've always wanted that to be the main reason for my blog. To help others. I start counselling in Jan and I hope to maybe learn some new coping methods and also learn some advice etc so I may share my counselling and therapy journey on here. I will need an output anyways and I think blogging is going to be my way of doing it. 

I also want to make more out of my photography and maybe start adding some of my photography here. I feel like I am wasting it just by keeping them on twitter and instagram. I might start taking photos when I go to my counselling sessions and then use them in the posts I have mentioned above. Because photography is one thing I really love and I do enjoy it and I find sometimes it helps me to when I am feeling a bit stressed and a bit anxious. 

What plans do you have for 2019? Any goals you want to achieve? Let me know in the comments below. 

Grief and my experiences

 

Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. 

Today's post is all about Grief. And the experiences I have had with it. Not an easy subject to talk about for me right now as I am struggling with accepting a friend's death. But I feel that the only way I can accept it is to blog and share how I feel with you all. 

I have lost a few really special people to me in my life. I think my first proper loss was when a school friend passed away when she was 13. Her sister was in my year and in my friendship group and it affected us all really hard. I think though back then I didn't really know what death was. Or how I was supposed to feel. I remember not going to her funeral because I was too scared to say goodbye and I didn't want to remember her like that. I remember my best friend at the time went and she came back so upset she had to go home. I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to remember her as she was when she was alive.

The next death I remember happened when I was 18 and I lost my granddad to cancer. I got the call at college to say he was dying and I just remember feeling the biggest feeling of being numb and just wanting the world to stop. I saw him the night before he died so I did get to say goodbye, And the funeral was horrible I remember crying loads. And just feeling like life was so unfair, and that it was very final. I still got really upset seeing his grave for many years afterwards. Death is so final. But I am spiritual and I know it is never ever goodbye. We will see each other again one day when the time comes.

The next death affected me a lot different and I struggled with it for a really long time. My cousin died when she was 31. From cancer again. Her death hit me really hard as I saw her the day before she passed away. She died from complications from the cancer. Completely unexpected. A heart attack due to fluid around her heart. I think the fact she had a year old daughter also really hurt me too. I found her death so hard that I had to have time off work and stay with a friend so I could have a break and just be away from everything. It was so hard. Also it was my first cremation and I never ever want to go to another one of those. The minute the curtains opened and her coffin went into those curtains I cried harder than I ever cried before. I think this death was when my depression got really bad. I couldn't accept that she was gone. But I remember the day we cremated her that the sun shone and it was really hot and I got a sun tan. I think that was her looking down on us all. 

Then the next big death was my sister in law's mum again from cancer. Another funeral where I cried the whole way through the service. But she really was an incredible lady and her death hit us all so so hard. 

My friend Paul's death was really hard too. I still cannot accept it now and I don't know if I ever will. He was not expected to die. Healthy and a pharmacist It was so unexpected. I knew he had a chest infection but I never ever expected him to die from Sepsis. I never got to say goodbye to him, and we were really close friends. I still struggle to accept he has gone now and it will be two years in November. I got really depressed around the time he died. I miss him so much. I miss his caring side and when he tried teaching me Chinese. He really was an amazing man I do sometimes feel him around me. Especially when I get signs. I will see him again one day. I like to think he is beside me looking out for me and beside me every day.