My Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania, also known as trich, is when someone can't resist the urge to pull out their hair. They may pull out the hair on their head or in other places, such as their eyebrows or eyelashes.

I have Trichotillomania. I have had it before but that was no where near as severe as it is this time. It's gotten out of hand and I don't know how to stop it. I think it has replaced my self harm. But my head is so sore and I need help. I am going to book a doctors appointment next week because my hair used to be my favourite part of my body but right now I hate it. And I hate myself for it too. I cried myself to sleep last night because it's so sore and brushing my hair hurts. 

I have attached a photo below so if it is triggering you then please don't look at the photo and click off I won't mind.

I don't know if it is anxiety based or not. But I am determined not to let this ruin my life and stop me doing what I want to do. I have counselling next week and I am going to speak to her and see if she has any ideas or tips and advice. I have beaten my self harm once I am going to bloody beat this again. I don't really have any reason to be sad, But I guess that is the thing with Mental Health and depression and Anxiety disorders, Sometimes you don't need a reason. It can catch you off guard and turn your world upside down. And it can go as quickly as it goes. It's all a journey and I know it won't ever leave me, It's just learning to take the rough with the smooth and ride it out. 

One year almost over and a new year just around the corner.

Well 2018 is almost over. And good riddance I think. It has been a really rubbish year for me and the family. We have lost people close to us and had a lot of health scares. The only good thing to come out of 2018 for us as a family is my beautiful baby Nephew. He always makes me feel better and he is such a happy baby that you cannot feel anything but love and happiness when he is around. 

The last few months of 2018 have been really really stressful. I never thought that this year would end up being the way it has. With my mum being in hospital and all the problems she's had with her heart has been scary. It was horrible having the one person who has always been so strong and held everyone else together be so vulnerable and poorly really shook me up and I think it is going to take me a long time to get over that night and the trauma it caused. But my mum being my mum has been so strong and it is inspiring really how well she is coping with everything. I love her a lot and she will always be my rock. And she always makes me feel better when I am struggling and not doing so great. It is also times like this when you realise how much people matter. My mum's work mates have been amazing and I am lucky enough to work with them too and we have defiantly got a lot closer now.  And I also want to say how amazing the NHS are and the work they do. My mum received nothing but amazing care when she was in hospital and we are always eternally grateful. I also got amazing care when I myself ended up in A&E recently. 

Anyways looking forward to the new year and I have some goals lined up. My main one is to lose weight and get into better shape. I don't want to be a fat bridesmaid when my sister gets married and I also don't want to be the fat girl on the plane. I also need to get over my fear of flying as my sister is thinking of getting married abroad. I don't want to miss her wedding because I am so scared to fly. I know I will probably be fine but I still am really anxious about it all. 

I also want to make more of this blog and put more effort into it because I have not used it as well as I had planned and I want it to be somewhere I can just write down everything I am feeling and maybe use it to help others. I've always wanted that to be the main reason for my blog. To help others. I start counselling in Jan and I hope to maybe learn some new coping methods and also learn some advice etc so I may share my counselling and therapy journey on here. I will need an output anyways and I think blogging is going to be my way of doing it. 

I also want to make more out of my photography and maybe start adding some of my photography here. I feel like I am wasting it just by keeping them on twitter and instagram. I might start taking photos when I go to my counselling sessions and then use them in the posts I have mentioned above. Because photography is one thing I really love and I do enjoy it and I find sometimes it helps me to when I am feeling a bit stressed and a bit anxious. 

What plans do you have for 2019? Any goals you want to achieve? Let me know in the comments below. 

The media and the effect it has on body image these days

Today's post is all about body image and how the media gives the wrong ideas to teenage girls. I hate buying the magazines these days, they always seem to have the latest diet fad advertised, And they always focus on celebrities and the size they are. Are they too skinny or too fat. As a plus size girl that struggles with her body and has been in the past picked on because of her size I find it difficult to read some days. 

I also have had experience of how eating disorders can wreck someone's life. These days teenagers have enough to deal with, pressure to be perfect, get perfect grades and fit in that they don't need body image to have to cope with as well. I also think that by not using plus size models is so wrong too because not everyone is a size 10 and it should be shown that you can be plus sized and beautiful.

I find programmes like Love Island and Towie also do not help. It is girls with skinny bodies showing off there toned perfect stomach in a bikini. And the men have perfect toned, tanned muscle clad bodies and they don't have contestants with plus size bodies because it does not look good for the show.

 I also find Slimming world and weight watchers can be hard too. I tried slimming world and I gave it up because I didn't like the fact my weight loss was announced to a group of people I don't really know. It knocked my confidence and I struggled so bad with my anxiety. I am going to start doing it again but at home where the only person who would know my weight loss or gain is me and my mum.

 I think that also having pop stars who do interviews about there weight loss on TV gives off the wrong ideas too. Lots of teenage girls and young women/men watch it especially shows like Lorraine and This Morning. I don't want the fact you have to be "thin" to be pushed in my face and that you have to look a certain way to be "Perfect"

I love that brands like Simply be use Plus size girls. And it makes me feel a little bit better, especially if they have stretch marks and cellulite on show, It does help me think that my body is OK and I don't have to be skinny and a size 10.