Hormones and depression

It's that time again(sigh) and I am not coping. The pains really bad and I know I have a hormone imbalance so it makes star week not fun.

I am on medications to help make it easier pain wise, But nothing to help how anxious and stressed I get around that time of the month. I just want to curl into a ball in bed and cry. I never sleep well and I know my mood etc goes downhill every 4 weeks. I also find it difficult to do anything but sit on the sofa and feel sorry for myself.

I just wondered if anyone has any good advice or tips on how to cope? I want to see my GP and see if I can get anything else to help but I am already overweight and not sure what else she can do contraception wise. But maybe something else to help my mood as I am horrible around the time of the month and my anxiety goes through the roof too.

This time last year

I was sat in Costa earlier having a hot chocolate and I had a flashback to this time last year.  I would of been having a drink before going to see Rosie my counsellor. I always had a costa before I saw her to help calm me down.

I am now out of therapy, Have been since July last year, I am in a better place. I still have my down days but the suicidal thoughts and wanting to die are not as strong as the urges and thoughts I had last year. I had a really bad patch where I wrapped a cable around my neck and pulled it tight till I felt dizzy. I just wanted everything to fade away and I Just thought that was the way out, I obviously stopped myself, and I am here to tell the story.

I wonder what Rosie would say now, I am in a job I love and I feel I have come so far from last year. I feel like I am starting to love myself and my anxiety is not as bad as it used to be.

So my final thoughts are that no matter how hard things may seem now, with the right support and help it does get better. And never feel like you cannot get back up from the bottom. It does get easier and I really believe talking therapy is a brilliant way to get the help needed. I know I owe everything to Rosie and I am so grateful I found the company that gave me her as my therapist, She was caring and understood and I will always be grateful for them and for me pulling the cable off because I have so much more to live for and a reason to be here. I still have so much in life I want to do and so many people who I want to meet and see.

My tattoo and why I got it

My compass tattoo is on my left arm. I had it on this side for two reasons. I got it here to stop me cutting and to cover some old scars, I chose a compass to remind me that I always have home and that I can be grounded here. And that no matter what I will always have home to be safe in.

I got it too help me stop cutting as that is the side I used to cut on. It is working so far I am almost 7 months clean and I am so proud of myself, I really want to stop altogether and before I stopped for a year and a half.

Some people see tattoos as self harm, But I don't I see it as art and I think they are beautiful.

What Mental health is to me...

People often think Mental Health is all mind fullness and therapy. But there is always another side and one I think people don't really like to talk about.

It is the endless nights of not being able to sleep as your brain over thinks every single thing you have done in your life. And then the not wanting to wake up in the morning because you know the problems will still be there in the morning.

It's the endless doctor appointments for reviews on medication and so they can see how you are doing and keeping an eye on you. The phone call to book the appointments and then the waiting rooms with people who are really "sick". The anxiety of the waiting room and waiting for your name to be called.

The prescription and then having to find someone to take you to collect them and making sure that you order them before they run out. And the interactions with other medications and what you can and cannot take. And the stigma of being on medication, and having to explain to other people why you are on them.

The not wanting to wear short sleeves in the summer as you are scared of people seeing the scars and passing comment, I also have scars on the tops of my legs and I don't want people to see them. The self harming too, and hiding it and having to always have first aid supplies and also hiding them especially at work.

And people who don't understand Mental Health. Who say "What do you have to be depressed about?" And "Oh you will get over it" It is not that easy, And it is not that easy to explain what is going on inside your head especially when you don't understand it yourself.

Update

I have had a break from blogging. Had a lot going on at home and stuff and I just needed to take a break and I have not had the time or the enjoyment in writing blog posts. I also had a mind blank and could not think of anything to post. 

My gran has been in hospital for a month so had everything to do with that to deal with, and I was going through a tough time myself. I am feeling a little better. Things at work seem to of settled down again and I am enjoying it. 

I just need to deal with me and the issues I have at the moment and I will be back once I have some inspiration and ideas to blog with. But I am always on twitter if anyone needs me or wants to chat.

Just a little something I wrote

I love poetry and writing stuff in general. This is a little something I wrote about how recently I am not doing so great.

I thought I had left you far behind

Your claws are digging into my heart

Clawing away bringing the darkness in

Like a black fog clouding my mind

Sometimes you hide and it seems brighter

But then you creep back in like a rolling sea mist

Making yourself heard and seen like a black wave

It’s all so dark and cold here again

I cannot see a light at the end just darkness

Not doing so great

The last week or so my mental health has declined. I don't even want to get out of bed. I am not enjoying my job and the bullying is on my mind 24/7/. Just feel everything is going wrong and I have no way of stopping it. I turn 33 on the 15th march and I am single, living at home and in a 8 hour job coz I cannot handle doing anything more. It is pathetic. I never ever thought my life would of turned out like this.

So if I am off with you, it's not because I am mad at you it is because I am struggling.