Dear Depression

A letter from the heart of a girl who is struggling

Dear Depression.

It's me. The girl you keep making feel like shit. The girl who cries herself to sleep night after night. The one who has marks of anger and pain etched into her delicate fragile skin. Cheeks tear stained, mascara running down her face. I am the girl you make feel that she is never ever good enough for anything. The girl who's biggest fear is rejection. And the girl who is afraid of dying alone. I am the girl who worries daily about the smallest of things. The girl who's mind works overtime trying to fight daily to be "OK". The one who never feels loved and is afraid she won't ever meet the one. 

The girl who relies on pills to make her broken head work and to be able to sleep so she can be strong enough to fight the battle again the next day. To stop the nightmares and the bad dreams that keep her awake.

The girl who cannot look at her reflection in a mirror in fear of what she will see. The one who years of bullying etched in her mind, never ever leaving her no matter how hard she tries to forget.

You wear me out Depression. It's a constant battle of trying to stay strong and faking a smile. My chest feeling like a weight is sitting on it. Like my heart is beating so fast it cannot keep up, Scared one day it might stop altogether. Always there in the back of my mind, niggling away. It's a pain that never goes. 

Just for one day, One day it would let me feel OK, Where I didn't have to be strong, I could just be me.............But maybe this is me, and I am being the best I can be. 

Labels and how I feel about them

This post is inspired by a chat I had with a very close friend about how I felt about my mental health labels and how I feel about knowing my diagnosis and how people reacted knowing about my conditions.

I was first diagnosed in 2008. Back then I was only diagnosed with Depression. My anxiety diagnoses came later. I was diagnosed and put onto anti depressants. I didn't really know how I felt then I think I was just relieved that I knew what was wrong and that I was getting help and I was not seen as crazy, And that I had someone that understood how I was feeling and that were willing to help me.

I saw counsellors and had regular appointments.  But I found that people found the label depression difficult especially in my old job. I got a lot of comments like "Oh but you have nothing to be depressed about" and "You are young and seem so happy why do you have depression?" 

I found that people can also use the labels against me too. I later found this out when I lost my job before this and also when we had a big family fall out(which I will get into later)

I don't know if I feel comfortable with my labels or not. I do on one hand think it helps me. But I feel these days too that anxiety is used when people don't really have it, I have heard people use it and joke about it. I had someone say to me that "Oh all you youngsters have anxiety these days" No! I struggle some days even getting to work, I can sometimes step off the bus and a panic attack can trigger, It isn't something everyone has. I have generalised and social anxiety. I find being around people I don't know eg parties and social gatherings difficult. I don't really go to any work parties because they make me feel uncomfortable. I don't really drink and drunk loud people make me really panicky.

Now I will get onto why I feel labels are dangerous. I had a big family falling out that has led to me not allowed to speak to my mum's side of the family apart from a couple aunts and uncles, My auntie used my label of depression and anxiety to tell everyone I was dangerous and I should of been sectioned and that I am mental. All I did in self defence was push her away from me, Because she was all in my face screaming and she actually went for me. So yes labels can be used to slander and cause trouble as I found out. It only stopped when we threatened her with solicitors and suing her.

I also suffered at work with my ex boss telling my dad that I was too mentally unstable to hold down a full time job let alone a job with people. I had worked for that company 9 years and the only reason I wasn't coping was because I was being screamed at constantly and the manager refused to help and stop it happening. I am in a job now with people and I love it and I will admit I am the happiest I have been for a long time. All it takes is the right team of people that are supportive and understand. My manager is fantastic and it is because she understands Mental Health and how it can affect you.

Also I found that applying for jobs, I heard back from applications if I didn't put my conditions down. I don't know how it affects job applications, Has anyone else found that if they didn't put that they had depression etc they heard back? Is it really that important if we don't put it down? I know at Primark they did ask about it and wanted to know how I was coping and that they would support me any way they could and they was glad I had told them about it so they understood why some days I could be down and they knew they had a reason and could help me and be there for me if I needed it.



So let me know in the comments on how you feel about being diagnosed and has it helped you or affected you?

Anxiety

I am posting today about Anxiety. And how it affects me every single day. And what I do to help relieve some of it in my day to day life.

I have social and generalised anxiety, And it does affect me every single day. I find going out around people and having to socialise difficult. It means that going to supermarkets and places that are going to be busy and crowded hard. I panic if I cannot find the people I am supposed to be with, I hate loosing my mum in the supermarket(I think this comes from me being lost when I was little) I even hate having to lock doors in the loo. My anxiety is even bad travelling. I get over this though with having my headphones in and distracting myself. I also make sure I have my water with me. I like when the bus is not busy as I have plenty of room to make sure I am not crushed.

I also make sure I never drink coffee when I am out or working as it sends my heart crazy. I am on beta-blockers and they do help. I get really really bad anxiety at work. My manager is great and I am allowed to get some water and take a few minutes out if I need it. I have learnt some breathing to help me as well. But I hate how it affects me daily and I wish it would go away.

I also have separation anxiety, I hate being away from home. I don't do well when I have to go away and I have some big trips coming soon. I would love some tips from people if they have any. I have cancelled many events because I cannot bring myself to go and be away from home and also I panic about what will happen. But I am not going to let it beat me this time as next month is someone I am a big fan of and I am not missing it for nothing.

Does anyone have any app ideas I can download on my phone? I always have my phone with me so I can download stuff on my phone to distract me. I have kindle so I can read. But I wondered if anyone knows any other good anxiety apps.