Counselling

I was officially discharged from counselling last week. She said she couldn't really see where else she could go with me. I have made progress since I first saw her. I don't feel like I want to end my life as much as I did back at the end of the year/Beginning of this year.. She's also helped me with my anxiety a hell of a lot. It's been tough, I found leaving the house hard. And that was with others, I just didn't feel safe. Even the bus journey and travelling to counselling was tough. But I enjoyed the time by myself and it helped me learn that if something bad is going to happen I cannot do anything to stop it. I just need to learn to deal with the here and now. I am hoping that I won't ever need to go back to it, But I know that if I do need to then I can just self refer myself back. But to be told that someone is proud of how far you have come then it feels bloody good. I didn't realise how well I had done and also how quick the sessions had gone, My therapist was so lovely and we got on really well. I am kind of sad that time is over but now it is time to start living and start to become a better version of me. 

My Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania, also known as trich, is when someone can't resist the urge to pull out their hair. They may pull out the hair on their head or in other places, such as their eyebrows or eyelashes.

I have Trichotillomania. I have had it before but that was no where near as severe as it is this time. It's gotten out of hand and I don't know how to stop it. I think it has replaced my self harm. But my head is so sore and I need help. I am going to book a doctors appointment next week because my hair used to be my favourite part of my body but right now I hate it. And I hate myself for it too. I cried myself to sleep last night because it's so sore and brushing my hair hurts. 

I have attached a photo below so if it is triggering you then please don't look at the photo and click off I won't mind.

I don't know if it is anxiety based or not. But I am determined not to let this ruin my life and stop me doing what I want to do. I have counselling next week and I am going to speak to her and see if she has any ideas or tips and advice. I have beaten my self harm once I am going to bloody beat this again. I don't really have any reason to be sad, But I guess that is the thing with Mental Health and depression and Anxiety disorders, Sometimes you don't need a reason. It can catch you off guard and turn your world upside down. And it can go as quickly as it goes. It's all a journey and I know it won't ever leave me, It's just learning to take the rough with the smooth and ride it out. 

Anxiety update

Anxiety 

“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.”

I posted a while back about how my anxiety affects me. I thought I would do a little update. I now have been diagnosed as having moderate to severe anxiety and depression. It affects me every single day. I thought on this post I would update more the symptoms I have had. It is inspired by a post I saw Zoella do. I know anxiety is different for everyone. But this is how it affects me and the ways I have learnt to cope with it.

I struggle with what people think of me, This effects me the most and I always think the worst and that people are always thinking the worst of me. And I never ever feel good enough. This can make work hard because I am always worried about doing something wrong. That little thought is always at the back of my head, Even if I am being told that I am doing OK and that I am doing a good job I am always waiting for that one person to tell me that I am not doing a good enough job or making the best effort i can be making. 

I find this also effects me when I am out. I always think the worst is going to happen, I will get in a crash or fall over and make an idiot of me. I also have a big fear of travelling on public transport even though I do have to use the bus as I don't drive. I have found though that music and my headphones go everywhere with me and I do manage to calm myself as long as I can see where I am going. I also don't like being too far from home. But I am determined this year to not let that beat me as I miss out on so much and I have so many things I want to do. I love travelling once I am settled and I know where I am going. I have friends that I want to visit around the country. I also love going to the theatre and musicals and concerts. I have a trip planned for April so I won't let the travelling and being away from home stop me going to see a band I love. 

I am really shy if I don't know people. I used to talk to anyone but now I would rather be in the corner away and by myself. I find approaching people difficult. It might seem that I am rude and offish but I am not. It is the anxiety, I am OK if people approach me first, And if I know you. Social anxiety is horrible, but I am not going to let it stop me living my life. Not everyone is talking about me and not everyone cares about how you look or what you are doing or the way you dress. It is 2019 and I am almost 35 I won't let it ruin my life anymore. I am going to walk with my head held high, Even if inside my head is screaming at me to run away. 

I also find that eating in public is a struggle. Actually when my anxiety is really bad I find eating is a struggle full stop. If I am really anxious I feel really sick and then I don't feel like eating anything. Which in the long run isn't going to make me feel any better. But I am having small meals and I just eat when I want. I am getting better eating out. I am OK if I am with people I know. But eating in places on my own still makes me really anxious and panicky. 

I have learnt that anxiety has two types, Hypothetical and practical. Hypothetical means that it's something you cannot do anything about e.g going on holiday and the plane crashing. That isn't something you can do anything about. Practical means that a solution can be found, E.g Going for coffee with a friend and you don't have enough money. The solution can be that you borrow money from someone and then you can pay them back or that maybe this time your friend pays and you pay the next time.  I am working on this at the moment and I have to find and plan the solutions for my worries which I write down in my worry diary. For me it is to plan and get some feedback on my job and how well I am doing. I love having homework because it keeps my mind busy and it also gives me something to focus on and work towards. 

Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. – English proverb

“Keep walking through the storm. Your rainbow is waiting on the other side.” – 

Heather Stillufsen

Little update

Hey. Just a little update to what has been going on. I started counselling on Jan 22nd, It's a pain having to travel to it(1 hour each way) but I feel comfortable with her, She seems really nice and I feel like I can talk to her. I've had some homework to do, I have to write a worry diary. I see her again on Weds and it will be every two weeks. I have managed to fit them in around my work hours which helps. 

I have also lost a dear friend suddenly, She died of a heart attack in January. She was 57, and I shall miss her a lot. She meant a lot to me and she taught me a lot in the 7 and a half years I worked with her. I couldn't face the funeral but I've donated to the charity she wanted to donate too. 

One year almost over and a new year just around the corner.

Well 2018 is almost over. And good riddance I think. It has been a really rubbish year for me and the family. We have lost people close to us and had a lot of health scares. The only good thing to come out of 2018 for us as a family is my beautiful baby Nephew. He always makes me feel better and he is such a happy baby that you cannot feel anything but love and happiness when he is around. 

The last few months of 2018 have been really really stressful. I never thought that this year would end up being the way it has. With my mum being in hospital and all the problems she's had with her heart has been scary. It was horrible having the one person who has always been so strong and held everyone else together be so vulnerable and poorly really shook me up and I think it is going to take me a long time to get over that night and the trauma it caused. But my mum being my mum has been so strong and it is inspiring really how well she is coping with everything. I love her a lot and she will always be my rock. And she always makes me feel better when I am struggling and not doing so great. It is also times like this when you realise how much people matter. My mum's work mates have been amazing and I am lucky enough to work with them too and we have defiantly got a lot closer now.  And I also want to say how amazing the NHS are and the work they do. My mum received nothing but amazing care when she was in hospital and we are always eternally grateful. I also got amazing care when I myself ended up in A&E recently. 

Anyways looking forward to the new year and I have some goals lined up. My main one is to lose weight and get into better shape. I don't want to be a fat bridesmaid when my sister gets married and I also don't want to be the fat girl on the plane. I also need to get over my fear of flying as my sister is thinking of getting married abroad. I don't want to miss her wedding because I am so scared to fly. I know I will probably be fine but I still am really anxious about it all. 

I also want to make more of this blog and put more effort into it because I have not used it as well as I had planned and I want it to be somewhere I can just write down everything I am feeling and maybe use it to help others. I've always wanted that to be the main reason for my blog. To help others. I start counselling in Jan and I hope to maybe learn some new coping methods and also learn some advice etc so I may share my counselling and therapy journey on here. I will need an output anyways and I think blogging is going to be my way of doing it. 

I also want to make more out of my photography and maybe start adding some of my photography here. I feel like I am wasting it just by keeping them on twitter and instagram. I might start taking photos when I go to my counselling sessions and then use them in the posts I have mentioned above. Because photography is one thing I really love and I do enjoy it and I find sometimes it helps me to when I am feeling a bit stressed and a bit anxious. 

What plans do you have for 2019? Any goals you want to achieve? Let me know in the comments below. 

Update on an update

Hey! It is an update on an update, Because some things have happened since. I didn't see the original counselling company I was supposed to see, I couldn't afford the price they wanted each week. It would of cost me £80 a month for half an hour every week. So I am now seeing a free one starting in January. 

My GP didn't go well, she basically told me to find a hobby and get some exercise. And my medications won't be upped or changed. So I guess it is all down to me now. I need to try fight it all myself. 

I am 35 in March and I am determined to feel better by then, I have 90 odd days to loose weight and start to feel better physically and mentally. 

So that's all really that I have to update. I am struggling still and I cannot wait for a break from work, I have 10 days left to work. I love my job but I need a break. I am super tired. I cannot wait to have some time with family. 

A little update

It's been a while since I last posted. So I thought I would do an update. It is not a positive one though as things are not great. I am having a really tough time. It's been a bit of a rough few weeks with my mum being rushed to hospital and then my mental health taking a battering. 

I have been to see someone and I have things happening and in place to get myself back to how I used to be. I think I may have some sort of PTSD but I obviously have not had it diagnosed. I am finding falling asleep hard and then that leads to me being really tired. And I have no energy at all. I just want to spend every day all day asleep. I am also not eating great and I have lost a stone in weight since my mum got rushed to hospital. I know I need to lose weight and I am happy but it isn't the right way of doing it. 

I am back into counselling and have my first appointment on Thursday with the same ones I saw about three years ago. Sadly not the same therapist but I am OK with it. I know it is what I need to do. 

It's times like this though that really help you find who is a friend and who isn't. I have had some lovely support and also some not so great support but it's fine. The ones who didn't care have gone. 

I shall update you all again in a week or so and let you know how counselling went and what has been said. I see my doctor next week as well and my medication may be upped. It's all gone wrong since a doctor changed my dose to 15mg from 30mg without consulting my doctor.