Grief and my experiences

 

Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. 

Today's post is all about Grief. And the experiences I have had with it. Not an easy subject to talk about for me right now as I am struggling with accepting a friend's death. But I feel that the only way I can accept it is to blog and share how I feel with you all. 

I have lost a few really special people to me in my life. I think my first proper loss was when a school friend passed away when she was 13. Her sister was in my year and in my friendship group and it affected us all really hard. I think though back then I didn't really know what death was. Or how I was supposed to feel. I remember not going to her funeral because I was too scared to say goodbye and I didn't want to remember her like that. I remember my best friend at the time went and she came back so upset she had to go home. I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to remember her as she was when she was alive.

The next death I remember happened when I was 18 and I lost my granddad to cancer. I got the call at college to say he was dying and I just remember feeling the biggest feeling of being numb and just wanting the world to stop. I saw him the night before he died so I did get to say goodbye, And the funeral was horrible I remember crying loads. And just feeling like life was so unfair, and that it was very final. I still got really upset seeing his grave for many years afterwards. Death is so final. But I am spiritual and I know it is never ever goodbye. We will see each other again one day when the time comes.

The next death affected me a lot different and I struggled with it for a really long time. My cousin died when she was 31. From cancer again. Her death hit me really hard as I saw her the day before she passed away. She died from complications from the cancer. Completely unexpected. A heart attack due to fluid around her heart. I think the fact she had a year old daughter also really hurt me too. I found her death so hard that I had to have time off work and stay with a friend so I could have a break and just be away from everything. It was so hard. Also it was my first cremation and I never ever want to go to another one of those. The minute the curtains opened and her coffin went into those curtains I cried harder than I ever cried before. I think this death was when my depression got really bad. I couldn't accept that she was gone. But I remember the day we cremated her that the sun shone and it was really hot and I got a sun tan. I think that was her looking down on us all. 

Then the next big death was my sister in law's mum again from cancer. Another funeral where I cried the whole way through the service. But she really was an incredible lady and her death hit us all so so hard. 

My friend Paul's death was really hard too. I still cannot accept it now and I don't know if I ever will. He was not expected to die. Healthy and a pharmacist It was so unexpected. I knew he had a chest infection but I never ever expected him to die from Sepsis. I never got to say goodbye to him, and we were really close friends. I still struggle to accept he has gone now and it will be two years in November. I got really depressed around the time he died. I miss him so much. I miss his caring side and when he tried teaching me Chinese. He really was an amazing man I do sometimes feel him around me. Especially when I get signs. I will see him again one day. I like to think he is beside me looking out for me and beside me every day. 

How my anxiety affects me.

I have social and generalised anxiety. I worry about everything! Social anxiety is my worst one, I really struggle with this. Recently it has stopped me going to stuff and doing stuff that I have really wanted to do. I find if I am going alone, I usually end up not doing it or not going. But I have decided that I cannot let it beat me. So I have booked two events, One this year and means travelling on my own. And one next year which also means travelling. 

I am going to post how it affects me and signs and symptoms I get. I really struggle sometimes and people don't always understand. I think that they just think I am being awkward and difficult but I am really not. I just want to run away and hide. It is not easy having social anxiety and it makes me sometimes apparently appear rude and obnoxious. 

First way it affects me is I go really quiet. And I get really hot and sweaty. I am on medication that is supposed to stop this, Then I get the chest pains which sometimes can be really painful and palpitations. Then I get the thoughts that something is going to go wrong or happen. I find this always happens when I am going to gigs, or events. I get myself so worked up that I usually want to cancel. Recently that happened to me when I was going to a concert and I came so close to cancelling. I actually had a panic attack in my room before. 

Another thing I struggle with is eating in public and in front of people I don't know. I used to really struggle with this in my canteen at my old work. We used to eat with management and the other people working there, I used to sit with my headphones in and try sit on my own far away from other people. I know sometimes it looks like I am being difficult with this but I get major panicky and I really struggle, I don't know if this stems from secondary school where I would have food thrown at me. Usually it is only me that this affects as I don't really go out with people I am not comfortable around. And my friends are used to it now, I am also super clumsy too and drop food down myself a lot. 

I also have another thing that I get where if I am really anxious I find myself having to wash my hands three or four times in a row. It made my skin really bad recently and I had to tell people it was because I was using hand gel too much. Another thing is I have to check and double check myself. This is more if I am travelling. I have to check my route and I have to double check times etc. I don't like delays or things being late or having to change plans. So when my train is delayed it really gets me panicky and worked up and it does stop me travelling sometimes. 

Also when I am away I always get super homesick and I hate being away from home so much. I always worry something is going to happen when I am away and I don't have anyone that can help. I found this to be the case recently when I ended up getting injured on a train journey. I couldn't find any staff to get first aid from. And I ended up with a swollen hand and being in a lot of pain, and it ruined the evening I was going too because I was in pain and I just wanted to be home with my mum and to be safe. 

I also don't like being home alone. I have to lock the doors especially at night. It is a little bit better now we have the dogs and they bark at even the slightest noise(but that then makes me really jumpy). 

I also HATE using the telephone at all. I really struggle with making phone calls to anyone that is not family. It makes me feel really sick and my heart beats 1000 times a minute. I also don't answer phone calls unless I know who it is. It makes ringing for doctor appointments really difficult. 

Which leads me to another thing that I struggle with and that is waiting rooms and seeing a doctor. Luckily I have my Doctor I see now and she is brilliant, but if I have to see anyone else I really get panicky. I have had the same doctor for a few years now and we have a good doctor patient relationship and she understands me and I always make sure I try get an appointment with her every single time because she listens and gives me the time to explain. But if I am struggling I make sure I write down what is bothering me. 

And my last one is I always have to have my headphones with me if I am alone or going out on my own. My therapist always laughed because I would have my music on. I find my love of musical theatre especially helps with calming my anxieties down when I am travelling. I also don't like the supermarkets. They give me huge anxiety especially if I get separated from my mum and dad. I get proper anxiety over it. I think that stems from when I got lost in our town when I was 4 years old.

Does anyone have any good tips for anxiety? 

The media and the effect it has on body image these days

Today's post is all about body image and how the media gives the wrong ideas to teenage girls. I hate buying the magazines these days, they always seem to have the latest diet fad advertised, And they always focus on celebrities and the size they are. Are they too skinny or too fat. As a plus size girl that struggles with her body and has been in the past picked on because of her size I find it difficult to read some days. 

I also have had experience of how eating disorders can wreck someone's life. These days teenagers have enough to deal with, pressure to be perfect, get perfect grades and fit in that they don't need body image to have to cope with as well. I also think that by not using plus size models is so wrong too because not everyone is a size 10 and it should be shown that you can be plus sized and beautiful.

I find programmes like Love Island and Towie also do not help. It is girls with skinny bodies showing off there toned perfect stomach in a bikini. And the men have perfect toned, tanned muscle clad bodies and they don't have contestants with plus size bodies because it does not look good for the show.

 I also find Slimming world and weight watchers can be hard too. I tried slimming world and I gave it up because I didn't like the fact my weight loss was announced to a group of people I don't really know. It knocked my confidence and I struggled so bad with my anxiety. I am going to start doing it again but at home where the only person who would know my weight loss or gain is me and my mum.

 I think that also having pop stars who do interviews about there weight loss on TV gives off the wrong ideas too. Lots of teenage girls and young women/men watch it especially shows like Lorraine and This Morning. I don't want the fact you have to be "thin" to be pushed in my face and that you have to look a certain way to be "Perfect"

I love that brands like Simply be use Plus size girls. And it makes me feel a little bit better, especially if they have stretch marks and cellulite on show, It does help me think that my body is OK and I don't have to be skinny and a size 10.

Let the haters hate!

I receive hate like everyone else probably does on line. Usually it does not bother me. But due to my anxiety and depression, Sometimes it does get to me, I received some the other day from a grown adult male. And it got to me. I was told to go and put a mask on because I was ugly. And at the moment I am struggling with my body issues. And his comment got to me. Along with already feeling pretty rubbish anyway it really got me down. But today it's a new day and I just have to accept that he probably has his own insecurities. And he couldn't even have a profile photo, so he is a troll.

I need to learn to just let stupid comments go and just laugh them off. Like Jessie J sings "Let the haters hate" they have there own sad lives and problems and probably don't have a job. So spend the day and night sending hate to others to try and make themselves feel better.

My IBS and food allergies

Today's post is a little different. Alongside my depression and anxiety. I also suffer with IBS and stomach problems. I have to be really careful what I eat, As I can get flare up's within an hour of eating. It is difficult in my new job as we are allowed food at the end of the dinnertime and I always feel really bad turning food down but I cannot risk eating something that will make me ill. The pain is awful and I get really bloated and have really bad diarrhoea. 

I am on codeine for it and Buscopan. But sometimes that is not enough and I also take probiotics. The pain is so bad some days I just want to curl into a ball. I find a hot water bottle or heat pad helps too. 

The main things I cannot have are Oats, Onions, White bread, Coffee, Spicy foods. I miss eating porridge(GF one is not as nice) I really miss ready brek(Wish they would do a GF version it might taste better than Free from porridge). I also miss flapjack and I miss eating normal pizza. I don't like gluten free pizza bases they taste like cardboard. Also why is Gluten free food so expensive? It is crazy money. I cannot afford to go completely Gluten free so I just have the porridge and also either Soya Milk or Lactose free milk.

I also really like drinking peppermint tea as I find that helps me too. It helps if I get acid reflux too, it helps with the sickness feeling. And bloating, some days I look pregnant. 

I also have to be so careful when I go to eat at restaurants. But yesterday I found a place near me that does the best Gluten free Pizza. So I am going to be going there again. It was yummy. Pizza hut and Mcdonald's are two places I cannot eat at. It isn't worth the pain or how ill it makes me. 

I love making gluten free bread in my bread maker though. It is harder to make than normal bread but still tastes yummy.

We have tummy problems on my dad's side of the family. Me and my brother and my dad struggle with stuff we eat. My uncle also has chrons disease and has been really poorly recently. 

If you want more information on Ibs and other stomach disorders then please click the links below.

NHS-UK

Patient Info

https://www.theibsnetwork.org/

Fresh air always helps me feel better

Today's post is all about one of my new favourite places to go when I feel a bit rubbish. I only discovered it on Tuesday. But it has become one of my favourite places in Cornwall. 

(My best friend, this will always be a favourite photo)

Basically last Sunday/Monday was a bit of a let down mentally for me. I was hugely delayed on my journey and it just ruined the whole weekend for me. And I got to my accommodation and it was horrible. So I ended up having a massive panic attack before I got to the venue for the show I was going too and I just wanted to run away. Let's just say I could not wait to go home. And the journey back on the Monday was not much better. But my best friend picked me up on Tuesday evening and took me too West Pentire in Newquay Cornwall. We went to see the Poppy fields. And watch the sunset. I love poppies and I took my camera along. So I am going to share some photos with you that I took, I hope you enjoy them.

I am back and an explanation and update

Hey! long time no see. I feel so bad but my laptop broke and I have not been able to blog, But my lovely sister ordered me a new laptop and it arrived today. So normal service will resume. I hopefully have a guest blog post coming soon. And I do have loads of ideas of new posts I want to put up. I am  now going to give my all to this blog. I want to help people and inspire those, And become a proper blogger. I also want to start using my photography skills on here too. 

Since I last posted, I have become an Auntie to my nephew Elwin. He is now nearly 3 months old and I adore him! He is such a happy smiley cute chunky monkey. And I have also got a new job. I am now a catering assistant in a primary school. I left Primark at the start of June. I love my new job and it has given me back more time. I also now have my weekends back.