One year almost over and a new year just around the corner.

Well 2018 is almost over. And good riddance I think. It has been a really rubbish year for me and the family. We have lost people close to us and had a lot of health scares. The only good thing to come out of 2018 for us as a family is my beautiful baby Nephew. He always makes me feel better and he is such a happy baby that you cannot feel anything but love and happiness when he is around. 

The last few months of 2018 have been really really stressful. I never thought that this year would end up being the way it has. With my mum being in hospital and all the problems she's had with her heart has been scary. It was horrible having the one person who has always been so strong and held everyone else together be so vulnerable and poorly really shook me up and I think it is going to take me a long time to get over that night and the trauma it caused. But my mum being my mum has been so strong and it is inspiring really how well she is coping with everything. I love her a lot and she will always be my rock. And she always makes me feel better when I am struggling and not doing so great. It is also times like this when you realise how much people matter. My mum's work mates have been amazing and I am lucky enough to work with them too and we have defiantly got a lot closer now.  And I also want to say how amazing the NHS are and the work they do. My mum received nothing but amazing care when she was in hospital and we are always eternally grateful. I also got amazing care when I myself ended up in A&E recently. 

Anyways looking forward to the new year and I have some goals lined up. My main one is to lose weight and get into better shape. I don't want to be a fat bridesmaid when my sister gets married and I also don't want to be the fat girl on the plane. I also need to get over my fear of flying as my sister is thinking of getting married abroad. I don't want to miss her wedding because I am so scared to fly. I know I will probably be fine but I still am really anxious about it all. 

I also want to make more of this blog and put more effort into it because I have not used it as well as I had planned and I want it to be somewhere I can just write down everything I am feeling and maybe use it to help others. I've always wanted that to be the main reason for my blog. To help others. I start counselling in Jan and I hope to maybe learn some new coping methods and also learn some advice etc so I may share my counselling and therapy journey on here. I will need an output anyways and I think blogging is going to be my way of doing it. 

I also want to make more out of my photography and maybe start adding some of my photography here. I feel like I am wasting it just by keeping them on twitter and instagram. I might start taking photos when I go to my counselling sessions and then use them in the posts I have mentioned above. Because photography is one thing I really love and I do enjoy it and I find sometimes it helps me to when I am feeling a bit stressed and a bit anxious. 

What plans do you have for 2019? Any goals you want to achieve? Let me know in the comments below. 

Update on an update

Hey! It is an update on an update, Because some things have happened since. I didn't see the original counselling company I was supposed to see, I couldn't afford the price they wanted each week. It would of cost me £80 a month for half an hour every week. So I am now seeing a free one starting in January. 

My GP didn't go well, she basically told me to find a hobby and get some exercise. And my medications won't be upped or changed. So I guess it is all down to me now. I need to try fight it all myself. 

I am 35 in March and I am determined to feel better by then, I have 90 odd days to loose weight and start to feel better physically and mentally. 

So that's all really that I have to update. I am struggling still and I cannot wait for a break from work, I have 10 days left to work. I love my job but I need a break. I am super tired. I cannot wait to have some time with family. 

A little update

It's been a while since I last posted. So I thought I would do an update. It is not a positive one though as things are not great. I am having a really tough time. It's been a bit of a rough few weeks with my mum being rushed to hospital and then my mental health taking a battering. 

I have been to see someone and I have things happening and in place to get myself back to how I used to be. I think I may have some sort of PTSD but I obviously have not had it diagnosed. I am finding falling asleep hard and then that leads to me being really tired. And I have no energy at all. I just want to spend every day all day asleep. I am also not eating great and I have lost a stone in weight since my mum got rushed to hospital. I know I need to lose weight and I am happy but it isn't the right way of doing it. 

I am back into counselling and have my first appointment on Thursday with the same ones I saw about three years ago. Sadly not the same therapist but I am OK with it. I know it is what I need to do. 

It's times like this though that really help you find who is a friend and who isn't. I have had some lovely support and also some not so great support but it's fine. The ones who didn't care have gone. 

I shall update you all again in a week or so and let you know how counselling went and what has been said. I see my doctor next week as well and my medication may be upped. It's all gone wrong since a doctor changed my dose to 15mg from 30mg without consulting my doctor. 

Battle(A poem)

It's been a really stressful and exhausting and emotional week and I don't really have the energy or am I in the right mindset to think of anything at the moment to post. So I didn't want the blog to go unloved so I wrote this and I think it sums up how I am feeling at the moment. 

I say goodnight and turn off the lights

Hoping the demons don’t come out to play

I close my eyes to sleep but the voices in my head scream no

It’s like I’m running from the evil

But it’s dark and I fall down 

I’m screaming so loud 

But it’s just a silent whisper 

It’s a battle I keep trying to win

But my sword won’t protect me 

My shield slips and it’s a stab in my back

While the pain rushes out my chest 

And the screams turn deadly silent 

That nightmare I’m living 

Where I’m stuck and alone

While everyone around me keeps running further away 

It’s a chaotic mess that needs cleaning 

But you can’t find the end or beginning 

So that pile keeps on building 

And the ache just keeps on hurting

It’s like a story with no happy ending 

Just a messed up little fairytale 

But the princess doesn’t meet her prince

And the tears don’t stop falling 

In Music We Trust

Today's blog post is about an amazing guy I follow on twitter who is doing a fabulous thing for mental health by using his love for music and also having depression to raise money for @MindCharity by running his own clothing company and donating 50% of profit made on any sale to @MindCharity. 

I came across Aiden Hatfield and In Music We Trust a couple of years ago when my own mental health was not fantastic. We got chatting and I watched a couple of his live streams and I then ordered some wristbands from his site. 

I still follow Aiden now and he always knows how to brighten someones day with his twitter. And I want to order some more clothing items from IMWT when I have some more money. 


Anyways here is some more information about the charity and website and where you can find Aiden and the other info you may need. 

IMWTCLOTHING  Here is the link to Aiden's website and where you can find out a little bit more and also order from the website and help donate 50% towards Mind Charity and help others in need of Mental Health support and advice. They currently have a promotion on where you can get a free Tote Bag on orders over £30. They stock everything from Tote bags to T shirts and everything in between.

Aiden's twitter is @AidenHatfield here he does a weekly livestream that you can tune into and he chats about mental health and depression and sometimes plays guitar. 

@Imwtclothing is the twitter for the website, Come check it out and tag yourselves in photos of you wearing the clothing. Aiden loves to see people wearing the apparel.

Here are just a couple of photos of the items you can order. I love my wristbands and wear them all the time. And I am hopefully going to order the t shirt above when I have the spare money as I love it. And I am all for the fact that 50% gets donated to Mind Charity as I have used them in the past for advice and help with my own mental health. 

Dear Family and friends

This post is a letter to everyone that knows me, It is what I want people to know about my mental health.


Dear family friends and everyone in between 

This is a letter to you. To the ones who have known me forever, the ones who have not known me very long and everyone else in between. I have depression and anxiety. I have had it since 2008. And this is everything I want you to know, The good and the bad sides. 

Firstly I want you to know is that even though I have these conditions it does not make me MENTAL or contagious. It just means my brain works different to yours. I am not dangerous or a risk to anyone other than myself. I am not crazy, Just a bit different. I won't harm you or cause you any pain or injury. So don't treat me like I will. The worst thing you can do is cut me off. I have anxiety already and making yourself distant can really upset me and I have lost so called friends over this before. Also I can sometimes be difficult but this is part of the problems I have so be patient with me and it will all be OK in the future.

I can be emotional and clingy. But that is because I am scared I will loose you. If you mean a lot to me I can become attached easily and I hate the feeling of those close to me becoming distant. I also don't like when friends cancel on me. Because then I feel like it is my fault and something I have done wrong. And then spend the rest of the day beating myself up over it. Also I don't like being treated like dirt and lied to either. I have been there, And also don't like being lead along. 

The anxiety side means I worry over every single thing. And recently it has stopped me doing stuff. It really annoys me when people say I have nothing to worry about. I do, I have every single thing that could happen to worry about. I need to plan before I do stuff and when things don't go to plan I panic. I've written a post before about how my anxiety affects me. Recently it is over travelling and going to places on my own.  I want people to know how hard it is. Social anxiety is hard, And I have panic attacks. I need to be close to home where I feel safe. 

When I'm having a really down time, I sometimes find it hard to do stuff, Like getting dressed, But it does not mean I am lazy. It just means I don't have the motivation or energy to do it. Please don't call me lazy because that hurts me and makes me feel worse. I also feel bad when you comment on how long I spend in bed. Sometimes that for me is where I feel safe. And sometimes I just need my own space and the peace and quiet. So if I am in my room just leave me be. 

It is hard having depression, people sometimes think I do it for attention. I don't. Having this is the last thing I wish for anyone. It is horrible. Why would I do it for attention? I have anxiety, Attention is the last thing I want. So please think before you speak.

I also find it hard having conversations, and approaching people. I am always worrying about what they will say or think about me. So if I don't come and make conversation with you, don't think I am being rude. I'm not 

Anxiety and how I cope with it.

This post is about my anxiety and how I cope with it and things I use to calm myself down. And also a bit about how my Anxiety shows itself. Recently it has been quite bad and I thought I would do an up to date post on it and how I use techniques to calm myself down and what helps me and what doesn't help.

I have really bad anxiety when I am travelling. Be it on a bus or car or train. I always have to have my music with me wherever I go. I always make sure my battery is charged on my phone and I have play lists made on Spotify and iTunes that help me when I am really anxious. I find that I relax more if I listen to a certain type of music. The ones I love the most are musical theatre and classical crossover. My favourite artists to listen to are Rhydian, Collabro, G4 and Jason Manford's musical album. I find if I listen to anything more upbeat it can make my anxiety worse. 

I also have music that helps when I cannot sleep. I have one favourite and that is ocean sounds. I like the sound of the waves crashing over stones, It calms me right down and I like to think about being on a beach. 

Things I like to do when I am anxious and need to have some me time is editing photos. I also love photography, I have found recently that sunset photos are my favourite thing to photograph. I will insert some of my recent photos I have taken below. It was beautiful and I didn't want it to go dark, I could of sat there for hours. 

I also have three dogs and they help me when I am feeling really down and anxious. I love taking photos of them too. I shall insert some photos below I have taken. 

My anxiety is usually brought on by me feeling really panicky and I get really hot. I also don't like being around people. I start feeling really sick and dizzy and usually get a really bad stomach ache. I also find that I need to lay down and sleep it off. The worst one is the feeling of everyone looking at me and laughing at me, I used to get this really bad in my old job, Especially when I was eating. I didn't like anyone being near me or sitting with me when I was eating. I also find when I am really anxious I go really quiet. But my main thing which has started recently is I have to wash my hands three times. Which wasn't helping my skin and it made my hands really sore. 

I also don't like things to happen out of the blue, I need to know plans and stuff before it is going to happen. I like to know what is happening and stuff so I can plan what I need and what I want to take and if I will be in any situations I won't like. I am rubbish at theme parks as I don't like the rides so I am always bag holder. I don't like not being in control and the speed and everything makes my anxiety so bad that I forget to breathe which is never a good thing. I also don't like really big crowds. I get super panicky and it has stopped me going to London anymore since the terror attacks. I used to go to London on my own without any worries. But that is one place I won't go to anymore. I have missed out on so much good stuff due to my travel anxieties. I am determined to not let it beat me though because I have some big trips planned for this year and next year and I have so much I want to do still.